Letters
by HarryPotterfanforeverr123
Summary: It's been 3 years since 3x22, and Chuck hasn't been in contact with any of his old friends since. When Blair sees his picture in the paper, she visits him for closure. But that's not what she finds...COMPLETE
1. A Visit to an Old Friend

**AN: I'm back! And after a long absence, I feel very refreshed. Unfortunately, I've had writer's block lately…I can't even write simple school papers without it sounding weird and choppy. I think it's cuz I overwrote so that I used up all of my inspiration this summer. Normally, I wouldn't write all summer. I wasn't used to it. But hopefully this came out good. I don't want to rant too much about the episodes, just say a few quick things. 1. I liked Serena and Colin, I'm sad they're over! 2. I want Serena to pick Nate, because I like Dan but sometimes he makes me mad, plus they're still related. 2. Chuck and Blair forever so of course I want them to get together asap, I loved the end of the most recent episode. 3. I like Juliet's character, she's like Georgina, she's evil but I like her anyways because she brings good drama and comedy to the show. Also, I'm not really sure Juliet's that evil. I feel so bad for her sometimes cuz I can understand family bonds, I think they're important too, and I'm sure that she thinks that Serena did something terrible. It is kinda annoying that she never gets punished for her mistakes, and that the NJBC always protects each other, but I love it at the same time. I don't want Juliet to leave, and I liked her with Nate, so I'm sad they're over. 4. I really hate Vanessa. I hate how she showed Juliet that text. 5. I don't like Jenny. Not after the third season. But I'm almost glad she's coming back, because the show is missing something without her. 5. The extended preview for the next episode looks very…interesting, to say the least. I can't wait! **

**And now, here it is. My new story. CB, as always. Kinda like **_**The Notebook**_**, by Nicholas Sparks, (there's a movie too,) but less like it later. I guess I'm setting it after 3x22 (but 3 yrs this time) because that episode just has so many ways it can go after it. **

**This will probably only be in Blair's POV. I know how much you all liked having everyone's thoughts in Losing and Looking For Love, but with this story, I have a good reason for keeping it in one POV, which I won't be able to reveal until later. **

**This chapter was originally 4 chapters, but I made it into 1, because they were so short. This story might not be that many chapters, but they should all be pretty long. Idk yet. I only have this much written, but I know where I want the story to go. I just have to work out how to get there. I'm really busy right now so I'll update when I can, but I'm not sure how often it will be. **

**The title won't make sense for a while. **

**Sorry for the super long author's note! Enjoy! **

**Summary: It's been 3 years since 3x22. Chuck has stayed away from everyone he was close to, and as a result no one knows about his injury. He re-buys the Empire Hotel (he sold it after getting shot) and returns to New York. When Blair sees this in the newspaper, she decides to go see him for closure, but that's not what she finds…**

**Letters **

It had been 3 years.

3 years, and yet, I knew that if I tried I could remember the day as clear as if it had been yesterday.

But I wouldn't try. I never had. It had always been something I wanted to forget, to put a cloud over. And I had. It was hardest that summer. I would pretend that everything was okay, but it wasn't. I would put on a happy face for the day, but at night I would lie awake, unable to escape the thoughts and the worries and the regrets and the constant memories. It was too hard to forget what he had done to me.

_But I want to try to make it up to you. Even if it takes me the rest of my life. _

But I told myself that one day, if I kept pretending like it had never happened, it just would go away. If I pretended like it didn't hurt, it wouldn't. I told myself that. It would be a year before I would believe it.

It would be two by the time I had convinced myself that I had stopped pretending. That it didn't hurt anymore. I had to do it. It was the only way I'd ever be safe.

_You're never going to be safe. _ _So are you brave enough or aren't you? _

And now it had been three, and here I was. Successful, beautiful, rich…everything I had always wanted. Well, except a family. But I was young. I was only 22. Plenty of people didn't meet the love of their life until then, or later. I had plenty of time. I was just one of those people who it took a little longer for.

The lie almost passed by unnoticed. Almost. But there was that little voice, the part of me that I had been trying so hard to kill, that said _but you did find the love of your life. You found him years ago, when you were only a teenager-_

No, I told myself. I would not let myself think about that. About _him_.

I forced myself to smile at the bartender as he handed me another martini.

_I don't want you anymore. _

"Drinking alone again, B?"

A tired looking blonde slumped down next to me.

"Had a fight with Nate again, S?"

"No," she snapped at me. Then she closed her eyes. "Yes."

"What was it about this time?" I asked, even though I knew the answer.

"Don't give me that," she scolded.

"What?"

"That condescending look."

"I'm sorry, what was that? Did Serena van der Woodsen just use a big girl word?"

"Cut the crap, Blair, I'm trying to tell you what happened."

"Then tell me."

"You're not in a particularly friendly mood tonight." Serena noted.

"Am I ever?" I said, perhaps a little too bitterly.

"Fine," Serena said, getting up and pushing in her chair. "I'll just go then."

"Fine."

"I was going to ask if I could stay at your place tonight, but I'm obviously not welcome."

"Why, you know you and Nate will just kiss and make up within the hour. That is, unless you choose to stay home with another guy. I'm sure any of your partners would be just thrilled to have you."

Serena gave me a glare. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"I know that's why you're always fighting. You sleep around S, you don't have to lie. It's because you're lacking something in your relationship with Nate. You wish you had someone else, and you and I both know who that is. But it's too late. You know he married the other Brooklyn trash last year. I saw the invitation in your purse."

"I'm leaving," Serena informed me, grabbing her purse.

"You're only mad because I'm telling you what's true. Everything you've been feeling for a long time now. I'm only being honest."

"Oh, so what, you're my life coach now? My relationship counselor? You want honesty, Blair? You haven't been on an actual date in over a year. You scare off every guy who comes near you with that look you give them all, like all men are terrible. You're afraid to let someone in because we both know how well that went last time. So you sit here, drinking alone, wishing in your heart that you'll turn and right next to you will be Chu-"

"DON'T MENTION HIM TO ME!" I screeched.

_Don't say her name! Or anything else to me, ever again. This whole night never happened. _

A few people around us stopped talking, alarmed.

"How's that for honesty?" Serena said, and stormed out.

I avoided eye contact with those around me, threw some bills on the counter, and ran to the bathroom.

I didn't let myself lose it until I was alone in a stall. I sat down on the dirty toilet and just cried.

Because everything she had said was true.

"Hello?"

"Blair?"

"Serena?"

"Look, I'm really sorry about last night. I…I didn't mean it."

I laughed humorlessly. "Oh, trust me S, you meant it."

"Look, can we just meet up? Can I come over for a little bit?"

I hesitated. "Okay," I agreed. "But just for a little bit. I have some things to take care of," I lied.

She was over in 20 minutes.

She sat down on the couch.

"Nate and I got back together," she said.

I just nodded.

"But then I broke things off."

I raised my eyebrows. "Why?"

"Because I realized you were right."

"I'm always right. What was it this time? That you sleep around? That you're not over Humphrey?"

"Both," she said quietly. "They're connected, just like you told me. I should have listened more."

"Yeah," I agreed.

There was silence. I knew she was expecting, or maybe hoping that I was going to say something like "You know what, you were right too. I should have listened more."

But I didn't say that. I wouldn't give in.

Serena sighed, accepting defeat.

"You know, there was this article in the newspaper I wanted to show you about my mom-"

Serena reached for the newspaper on the table and promptly dropped it in surprise. Her eyes widened and she looked up at me fearfully.

"What? Is the apocalypse coming early?"

Serena shook her head. "N-no-" she said. "They just had that recipe I wanted…"

She made to grab the newspaper but I snatched it away, unfolding it to better see what she could have seen.

It was the Business section. What could possibly interest S in there?

I didn't really have to look hard.

**CHUCK BASS REPURCHASES THE EMPIRE HOTEL **

There was a picture too. He looked the same as always, but there was something that I couldn't place that was a little off about his face.

I was silent for a moment, speechless.

"Did you know about this?" I asked in a deadly tone.

Serena quickly shook her head. "No B, I swear-"

"So he's back? I thought he was gone for good."

"I guess he couldn't resist going back to his beginning. None of us can. Not me, with Dan, not Dan, with Vanessa…"

"What are you getting at?"

"Well, Chuck can't either. Not with his hotel, not with his hometown, not with his first l-"

Serena stopped.

"What was that?"

"Not with his hometown," she said quickly.

"After that."

"That's all I said," she insisted.

I scanned the article. It looked like a permanent move.

"His first love," I said quietly. "That's what you were going to say."

Serena shrugged. "He can't resist."

"Well I can."

"Can you?'

I was silent.

"B, I see what you're doing to yourself. You're trying to pretend you're okay, but you're still not. You miss him. And that's okay. You just need to talk about it. That's the only way of getting over it. Or you need to talk to him. Maybe you can at least be friends. It's been years, B. Maybe he's changed. I know you're scared. But that's no reason to stop living."

My lip wobbled and I could feel the tears coming. I want to stay strong, like I have for so long. I want to pretend to be okay. I want to _be_ okay. But this is Serena. She's my sister. And I need to talk to someone, because if I don't, I think I might lose it. Like I did last night.

"How?" I asked. "How could I even face him, after everything that happened?"

"I know you can, B. You're strong."

I shook my head. "Not strong," I said. "Just stupid. Foolish. I let myself fall for a Bass. And once you're in…it's impossible to get out."

"But you got out."

"No," I whispered. "No, I'll never be out."

"Then go and see him."

"I don't want him anymore. I…I can't want him anymore."

"Well, just for closure then. Things ended pretty badly between you two. And you were such good friends before everything. Maybe you can get that back."

"Not after what he did. What we did. It's obvious that anytime we're together we just leave a path of destruction in our wake."

I was being stubborn, and Serena knew it as well as I did.

"Well, think about it," she said, getting up and leaving. She'd done all that she could do.

And I did think about it.

In fact, it was all I thought about.

I hated him with every bone in my body.

I was furious with him.

But I still wanted, no, I needed to see him.

It'd been so long.

It'd been too long.

It couldn't _hurt_, really, to just go and say hi.

After all, it had been three years. We'd grown up.

We weren't kids anymore. We could handle a nice chat over coffee.

I was weak to fall for a Bass.

But what made me even weaker? That the second I'd seen the newspaper, I'd known that I was going to visit him.

I didn't tell Serena. I didn't want anyone to know, in case things didn't go well. And I was embarrassed that I was giving in.

But I couldn't resist. I never could, when it came to him. I may put up a good fight, but in the end, I always came back.

But my one glimmer of hope was that it took longer every time. It had taken three years this time. Maybe, hopefully, after today I would never have to see him again.

His company was having a charity gala today. Chuck had never really been into charity, so I was a little confused when I heard about it. But it gave me hope….maybe he had changed.

I tried to look my best tonight. I bought a new dress and got my hair and makeup done. No less than I would have done for another event, but today I was particularly picky.

My dress was purple, his favorite color. Normally I avoided the color. But I was just drawn to this dress, somehow-I had to wear it tonight.

I was more nervous than I'd like to admit to myself. But then, I was used to lying to myself.

I entered the building and immediately scanned it for Chuck. There were a lot of people here, so this was not easy. I walked around for a little bit, looking for him. Not that I was ready to talk to him yet. I just needed to find him, so that he wouldn't see me first. I didn't want any surprises. I wanted to be the one doing the surprising.

After half an hour, I started to panic. I couldn't find him anywhere. Did he know I was here? Did he not go to his own events? Was he home sick of something? Travelling? Sleeping?

I decided to go to the bathroom to fix my makeup and re-evaluate my plan. I walked into a seemingly empty hallway and headed for the door to the ladies room.

"Tell him we need it by tomorrow. No excuses," said a voice that I knew so well, slightly older, but still the same voice.

I froze.

That voice. It made me want to swoon and vomit at the same time. It quickened my heart and made me dizzy. Only his voice could have that effect on me.

There he stood, in a black suit, not too far away. His back was to me, and if he had heard me walk into the hallway, he didn't acknowledge it. He probably didn't think anything of it. Plenty of woman probably passed by him on the way to the bathroom, saw that he was on the phone, and didn't disturb him. Or perhaps he was so involved in his conversation that he didn't even hear me.

I stayed still, barely breathing, my heart beating much faster than normal. Should I run back? Go into the bathroom? Or should I confront him?

It would be mean to do that to a person on a business call. Maybe I would just stand there and see if he noticed me. If I got tired of standing, I'd leave.

I decided on that option. I didn't think I'd be able to move anyways.

"Thank you for your time."

He took his phone away from his ear.

"Can I help you?" he asked, turning towards me, still looking at his phone.

I was paralyzed. I had no choice now. I had to stay. But what should I say?

"Chuck," was all I could say.

His head whipped up and his phone clattered to the floor.

"Blair Waldorf?" he asked, bending over to pick his phone up, but not taking his eyes off of my face.

"Hey," I said, a little too casually. "How are you?"

"Blair," he asked, sounding confused. "Why are you here? It's been, what, three years now?"

I nodded. "I just…I wanted to see you. To see how you were doing."

He looked at me for a moment, the shock on his face gone. In its place was an emotionless mask. He was unreadable.

He turned abruptly and started to walk away.

"Where are you going?" I called after him, alarmed.

"I'm keeping a promise," he called back.

"What, to a girlfriend of something?"

He laughed humorlessly, turning around.

"An ex-girlfriend, actually."

"What's the promise?" I asked, pretty sure I already knew the answer.

_Don't say her name! Or anything else to me, ever again. This whole night didn't happen._

I winced.

"I'm only doing what you asked. I'm not supposed to talk to you. I don't know what this temporary insanity it is that you're having, but it has to stop. You don't want to do this. You don't want to know me anymore. You said so yourself."

"Chuck…I know we've been through a lot but can't we just be friends? I miss you. We all do."

Something in his face changed, but only for a moment.

"You're lying," he said. "What do you want, Blair? You always want something. There's always an ulterior motive."

That hurt. "I want to talk to you," I insisted. "What's wrong? Why are you doing that?"

"Doing what?"

"That thing where you won't show any of your emotions."

"We've both gotten pretty good at that over the years, Blair."

I shook my head. "Not to each other. Not usually."

Chuck looked at me with a penetrating gaze for a moment. "Things have changed," he said simply. "We're not kids anymore. We are not the same people. And we are not in love."

"I know that," I said defensively. "But…we're still friends. I know it's been a long time, but we've been friends forever. We've made some mistakes, but nothing can change that."

Chuck ran his hand through his hair and looked tired. "Why now, Blair? Why after 3 years? After a few months, sure, but now? We're not friends anymore."

"Of course we are. Come on. Just…coffee. Or a drink? Don't tell me you've given up drinking. Has it finally caught up with you?"

Something shifted in Chuck's expression. "Not the alcohol."

"So just life, then?"

Chuck nodded. "Something like that."

"Tomorrow night? The Empire Hotel?"

Chuck stared at me for a second. "I really don't know why you're doing this, Blair," he said after a moment. "But okay. I'll play along in your game. But only one drink, okay? I have to work. Then you'll have what you need?"

I nodded.

"One drink," I confirmed.

But would it be enough?

I sat at the bar, twirling the straw in my drink. Chuck sat next to me, not saying anything. This was harder than I thought it would be. Small talk…it wasn't really our thing.

"So things have been good with the company?" I ask, trying to start a conversation.

Chuck just shrugs. This makes me mad. He's not even going to make an effort?

I give an obvious annoyed sigh. Chuck glances up at me.

"I'm obviously trying here. Why aren't you?"

Chuck shrugs again. "Why should I?"

"Because you owe me that."

Chuck snorts. "It's been too long, Blair. I don't owe you anything."

"Oh, really?" I ask, getting angry very fast. "So you don't even feel bad for what you did?

He shrugs again. This is starting to really annoy me.

"Fine. Act like a 2 year old. It's nice to see you haven't changed."

"I did change Blair. But you wish I hadn't, because then you'd feel okay continuing to blame me for everything that goes on in your life. But you see that I'm different."

"Let me see, you're still sarcastic, still cruel, still a convincing liar, and-"

"And yet how do you know that? We've barely spent a half hour together in three years."

"I can just tell."

He sighed. "Well, at least I can see that you haven't changed. You're still convinced that you're always right."

"Fine. What's different about you, then?"

"Everything."

"Please elaborate."

Chuck smiled, but it wasn't happy.

"You, Nathaniel, Serena. Lily. Eric."

"You're just listing people, Chuck. That doesn't help me understand."

"They kept me human."

"Oh, so you're a vampire now? I'm not surprised; it involves hot girls and lots of drinking, even if blood wasn't always your drink of choice. I am, however, surprised I didn't see it before."

Chuck smiled again. "Not a vampire. Think of a manlier monster."

"I'm not in the mood to play guessing games, Chuck."

"You started it."

"I did not!" Suddenly I feel like the two-year-old. Chuck is smirking at me. "I just want to know what you mean."

"I don't feel things anymore."

I rolled my eyes. "You've tried that in the past. It didn't work then, and it won't work now."

Chuck's face hardened. "This time is different, Blair. I don't have a loving girlfriend, a crazy blonde, or a concerned stepmother to pull me back. The same goes for a naïve best friend and an innocent teenage stepbrother. The five of you. When you stopped caring, so did I. About everything."

I don't want to believe him, but I can see it in his face. The weird expressions, the way he's acting….it would make sense if this were true. If he really doesn't care.

I guess a part of me thought that he would always love me, that his PI was keeping him updated and that he checked Gossip Girl until it stopped last year. I thought that he had someone on the inside to tell him what was happening.

But he's just been alone, not thinking or caring about what used to be this whole time.

"You don't mean that," I said, horrified at the realization that he does.

"I do. And believe me; we're all much better off apart." Chuck lifted his glass. "To never seeing each other again," he said.

And then he drank.

**AN: Try not to be too mad at Chuck. Please review! **


	2. Surprise

**AN: So I got an amazing amount of people favoriting this story and doing story alert and stuff but not that many reviews! It's not all about the reviews for me, I write for fun, but the reason I post it is for the feedback. I also post it because, well, most people seem to enjoy the stuff I write! But I would like some more reviews please…I know people are busy but I love getting reviews. I would like to clear something up quickly that I think might have made people upset. Only one person pointed it out, but I think that others probably had similar opinions. Blair is, and always will be, my most difficult character to write about, mostly because I think she's hard to understand. But I go ahead and try my best anyways, because I also think she's the most interesting. Chuck can also be difficult to write about too, but I still write about him too. Nate, Lily, Serena…they've always been the easiest to me. I did make Blair a little OOC because it helped with the way I wanted the story to go and stuff. I don't really think this is exactly how their meeting would go, and I don't think that it would take this long for Blair to try to contact Chuck, but for the purposes of this story, it's the way I made it. I appreciate the reviewer who pointed out that this isn't exactly how it would exactly go, so thank you. I would like to justify the bit of OOC-ish just because I'm afraid if I change it it might mess up something later. But I'm glad that you're still reading! **

**I suspected people to be mad at Chuck because I thought that people might still be angry at what happened, especially if you disregard this season. As for me, I'm not really mad at him for sleeping w Jenny anymore. It really wasn't his fault, or Jenny's, for that matter, although I will never be able to see her in the same way again. But I am still kinda mad about the hotel. But…Chuck really didn't know how much it would cost him. So I think that maybe no one will really be mad at Chuck in this. As for Blair, she may continue to act a little OOC, just so it all works out the way I want it to, but I'll try my best for her to be as Blair-ish as possible. It's also possible that she's changed a bit. **

**So here's the next chapter! **

**Chapter 2 **

I feel a little sick as I see him drain his glass and leave. I want to call after him, but I'm torn. Does he really want me gone? Should I listen to him? Do what he wants?

Blair Waldorf doesn't follow anyone's orders but her own. But don't I want this too?

I can't decide. Seeing him has awoken some new feelings that I know won't just die down.

I remember how wonderful it was when we were in love. When we were happy.

Everything was perfect then. Well, not perfect, but when I look back on it, that's all I see.

Until I get to the end.

It was a tragic end, like something out of a movie. Those things don't happen in real life.

I'd always wanted for my life to be like a movie.

But not like this.

I had tried so hard not to think about what happened that I hadn't resolved my feelings about it.

Did I hate him? Was I still mad? I was pretty sure.

Why, then, had I asked him to have drinks with me tonight?

Was it wrong to hate him?

After what he did, no, I thought.

But another part of me disagreed.

Get over it, I told myself. It's over. Move on.

I'm trying.

But maybe this isn't the way to do it. Or maybe it is. Who knows?

I sigh and try to pay for the drinks, but the bartender just waves me away.

I've forgotten that this is Chuck's hotel. When he buys a drink for himself and a friend, it's free.

I leave and wonder what to do. Where to go. I don't want to go home, where Serena is most likely staying, waiting for me. Wondering where I am, what I'm doing. Hoping I'm here.

I can't let her know that I'm here. That I met with Chuck. For some reason, I feel like I need to keep it to myself.

I decide to get a room at the hotel. Something about it feels strange, but I don't want to leave. I can't leave until I get my closure. Until I feel like I can finally move on.

I try again the next day, and the next.

I call his cell phone every morning. I even try the number to his room. I assume he's now living in the penthouse again, and I know that he never used the room phone before, but I have to try now.

He doesn't answer, just like he doesn't answer his cell phone.

It takes three days. I go out shopping for new clothes and tell Serena I took a small vacation. She asks to come out and meet me, but I won't even tell her where I am. She sounds worried at first, but as I convince her I'm fine she starts to sound more hurt that I didn't take her along. I feel bad, but I still feel like it's a secret that I'm here. Better not to tell anyone. I hang up after telling her that she's free to stay at my house while I'm away.

When he finally answers, he sounds tired.

"What do you want, Blair?"

I counter his question with another. "So you finally decided to answer your phone? Why were you ignoring my calls?"

He doesn't deny it. I don't want to sound controlling, but I want to know.

"Because you said that you'd have what you needed after one drink."

"Well, I didn't. Turns out it will take longer than I thought."

"Why?"

"I didn't find what I needed."

"And what is it that you need, Blair?" he says exasperatedly.

"Look, Chuck, I just want to understand why we can't be friends."

"Because."

"That not a good enough reason."

"I just don't think it's a good idea."

"Why not?"

"We'll just and up in a mess, like always."

"We never ended up in a mess as friends."

"This time, we will. I promise."

"You don't know that."

"I do, Blair. Please. Trust me."

"No," I say stubbornly. "If you can think of one good reason why we can't be friends, why you think we'll fall apart, I'll leave you alone. If not, then we're friends."

"There are plenty of reasons, Blair. It's been too long, we've hurt each other too much, I don't want to be friends, I don't think you want to be friends, I-"

"Why would I be going to so much trouble if I didn't?" And it's true. I know that I'm not just looking for closure now. I need to fix this. I need for us to be friends. I need to stop blaming him. I need to stop blaming myself. I need him. "And none of those are real reasons. It's never been too long, we're always going to feel that pull to at least be friends, you're lying, and I do want to be friends."

"Why do you think I'm lying?" he asks softly.

"Because years ago, we loved each other more than anything. And I know that no matter what we've been through, we're still not going to be able to stay apart."

"We were doing so well," he says, still quietly. "Three years."

"Yes," I admit. "But it's over now. I wasn't strong enough, I guess. But we both knew it would happen."

"I guess. But Blair?"

"Yes?"

"I still think this is a bad idea."

"I know."

"Same as last night?"

"Yes."

We hang up.

And I go that night. And the next night. And I keep on going.

And I'm starting to think that we're friends again.

The worst thing about being friends with Chuck? I can never tell if I really am.

Sure, we have small talk, we drink, I smile, but never more. If I ever mention anything serious, he quickly changes the subject. And he never laughs, or even smiles for that matter. He never looks sad either.

We talk about Serena and Lily and Eric, but if I mention how he should try to contact them, he hastily starts talking about business deals. So I can only mention their drama and hairstyles and wardrobes. Never their relationships with him.

I learn more about the company, but never how he's dealing with life.

The strangest thing as that he won't talk about things in the past. He'll talk about recent deals or his aging forgetful secretary that he just hired or his new employees, but never the past. Never what he did for those three years, before he returned to New York. I think that maybe it's just because it's unimportant, but I get the feeling that he's hiding something. He must've done something else besides work and be alone these last few years. Or maybe that's just wishful thinking. I hate to think that he's been alone for this long. One day, though, something confuses me.

"Have you had to travel abroad over the last few years? You only just got to New York," I say carefully, trying to coax him into talking about the past.

He shrugs. "Mostly I stayed in America. Just different parts. Except…"

"What?" I ask, after he's silent for a moment.

"Those were the only places I traveled for work. Then I went to London a few times, and Paris, but only once. All for work."

There's something about the way he says work that makes me think that there were more travels, not linked with his work. I finally have my chance to talk about something other than his work and Serena, so I take a chance.

"And for pleasure?" I ask casually.

He hesitates, as if trying to decided if it's a dangerous question or not. "Prague, once," he admits.

I raise my eyebrows. "And here I thought you'd changed. The usual hotel? The usual women?"

This conversation is not at all going in the direction that Chuck wants.

"Y-you don't understand, I was just…it wasn't really for pleasure, even. More for…"

"Screwing hookers isn't for pleasure anymore?" I ask.

Chuck is getting defensive, which is just what I wanted. Finally, a real emotion.

"No! I mean, well…it was a hard time. I'm not like that anymore. It was…it was that summer. Before, even. That week." He looks down sheepishly. "But you are right, I'm different now."

"And what made you change?" I dig, knowing it's pushing it but doing it anyways.

His face darkens. "Life caught up with me. That's all."

It's too vague. Does he mean physically, with the drinking? I don't think so. I would have heard of it. Someone would have told me if Chuck was hurt, and Lily would have found out if her own stepson was hurt, bad person or not.

So it was just in his head, then. Everything he's done just caught up with him, and maybe he felt bad about all of it.

It was too much to figure out.

Chuck looks angry at the information he's given away and asks for the check.

The next night, the mask is back.

And this time, it seems impossible to break.

It becomes my whole world to break that mask. My one goal. I must break it. But it's been a week now since I broke it that once, and I still have made no progress. And I still cannot make sense of what he said.

I have to go back home soon. Serena calls multiple times daily, and she's worried about me. She wants to know where I am. Nate even calls once, and the same goes for Lily. I'm guessing that Serena has put them up to this.

I wonder how Serena and Nate are. I know that they broke up, but we'll always be together. We're the Non-Judging Breakfast Club. We stick together matter what.

Which is why I had to go after one of our members when he fell off. Maybe a little late, but I did nevertheless. Which is why I find myself again sitting next to him at the bar.

"You know, Chuck, we should really stop this."

"Stop meeting up? That what I told you from the start."

"No, drinking every night. It's not good for us."

Chuck glances at his water. He's been ordering it more and more lately. I pointed it out to him the other day, and he just said that he never appreciated water for how refreshing it is.

"Fine, it's not good for me," I say.

"Order something else."

"You know, I was thinking, maybe we could actually leave the hotel sometime," I say, ignoring his suggestion. "We could go to one of your events, since I've noticed you barely ever go."

It's true. I know because Serena has gone to a few. She seems less and less afraid to mention Chuck to me every time we talk, since I haven't lashed out at her yet, and she still urges me to visit him. She talks about him quite a bit now. She wants to see him, but she's not very determined. Most of the time she just wants to go so that she can dress up. If Chuck and I go to one, I can just suggest to Lily that she spend time with Serena in Lily's penthouse that night.

"They always seem to schedule them at inconvenient times to me," Chuck shrugs.

"Chuck, you schedule them."

"And I can be forgetful."

"Come on, it will be fun! You used to have fun at them."

"Only because I was with you," and instantly it's like he's said something wrong. "And Nate and Serena," he adds quickly, his mistake corrected.

His comment only makes me smile. It's once again another crack in the mask, and each one is a cause to celebrate.

"And you'll be with me this time, too," I say, to let him know that his comment hasn't been missed.

He turns away. "It's different now," he says.

"Please?" I plead. "It will be fun, I promise."

Chuck looks at me again and slowly nods.

And then he does the strangest thing.

He smiles.

I almost drop the glass I'm holding to my lips in surprise, and I want to go around and hug him.

Instead, I settle for grinning back at him, counting another small victory in my head.

I walk into the room next to him the next night, smiling out at everyone. We walk around for a bit, talking about the gala, before we get some drinks. Just water.

I don't worry about Serena showing up. I called Lily, and told her that I was worried about Serena and thought that it might be nice to have fun night in.

"If only I were in town!" I told her remorsefully.

Lily had lapped it right up and offered to spend some time with Serena tonight, just like I knew she would.

"What now?" Chuck asks as we look around the room.

"Introduce me to your coworkers," I suggest to him.

But he's not looking at me. He's looking behind me.

"Blair?" someone asks.

"Serena? Lily?" Chuck says.

I turn around to see Lily and Serena staring at me, completely taken by surprise.

"L-lily!" I stutter. "What are you doing here?"

"You said that you thought Serena needed a quiet night in, but Serena mentioned that Charles was in town and that she's been trying to find him at his company's events, and we decided that a night out would be more fun than a night in anyways. But we didn't think that Charles would even be here, since he's been absent from all the other ones," Lily says, looking uncertainly between Chuck and me.

"And we didn't expect to see you here, either!" Serena blurts out to me.

I look at her, but she looks ecstatic, instead of angry at me for keeping this from her. Then she looks at Chuck, and so does Lily. They all stare at each other for a minute.

"Charles," Lily finally says. "So good to see you!"

She gives him a quick hug. Chuck looks completely taken aback.

"Same here," Serena says, beaming at Chuck.

Chuck looks even more surprised.

He abruptly turns and walks away.

I give them an apologetic look.

"I'll be right back," I say.

I run after Chuck into a hall.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

He looks really angry. I want to be happy for an emotion from him, but I can't find it in me to find joy in his pain. Not anymore.

He turns away.

"Please," I say. "Don't shut me out."

He doesn't say anything. I want to break through the mask, I want to find out what's going on behind it, but most of all I want to find something to say that will make him feel better. I'm about to say something comforting, but that's not what comes out.

"Why didn't you come looking for me?" I asked. "You said that after Prague, you came back to America. But you didn't come back to New York. You didn't try to fix things. We were supposed to stick together no matter what. I may have told you to never speak to me again, but you can't have forgotten my promise. That I would always be there. But you weren't there. Why didn't you visit? Why didn't you come find me?"

Because that's the real reason I'm still upset with him. The past fights mean nothing. The fact that he never came back, even if I had told me to not speak to me again, is what hurts the most. I wish he had stayed. I didn't tell him to leave. And I never really meant that I never wanted to hear from him again. Did he think that I meant? Well, so did I, at first.

Chuck finally turns around. He looks at me in disbelief for a moment.

Finally, he opens his mouth and says "You were never the one who was missing. I was. So why didn't you?"

And before I realize that there's no good answer to that question, he's gone.

**AN: I know Blair was annoying at the end because really, she expected him to know to come back when she told him to never speak to her again? But I wanted to end the chapter this way. **

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	3. Why Didn't You?

**Chapter 3 **

_Why didn't you?_

It's a good question, one even I can't answer. Why didn't I? I still cared about him, no matter what had happened. I was mad, but I still loved him. I wasn't ready to completely let him go. So why did I?

I didn't look for him. How could I bear to have lived without him?

I didn't. I didn't live without him. It's like the last three years are a black hole in my life.

Sure, I went to school, I went to parties, I hung out with Serena…

But it was never the same. Not without him. Serena, Nate, and I…there was something missing. Someone was missing.

How could we have let that person stay away?

I tried to excuse myself, tell myself that I was hurt, and that it wasn't my job to look for him. It was Nate and Serena's job. Or Lily's. But not mine.

But I was only kidding myself.

It was my job, and my job only. My job to pull him back.

Not because Serena and Nate shouldn't, but just because I was the only one who could.

I tried to imagine Chuck, my Chuck, after it happened. After he lost everything. He lost me, which is just one person, but if he felt the same way about me as I did about him, then I was his whole life. Well, besides that hotel. The hotel that he sold, because of the memories. Because of me. Serena was bound to turn against him, because of her friendship with me. Once she found out it all, everything, from Nate (I had heard them talking once), she would turn on him. I was her best friend. I am her best friend. And Nate? That had started when he sold me for the hotel. They already had a rocky relationship. And Nate had cared a lot about Jenny. He had thought of her as a little sister, even if she had not thought of him in a way even close to that. She was just a kid, and yet Chuck had taken that, taken her innocence away from her in one night. He had taken something that was important to Jenny, that Jenny hadn't wanted to give away even if she pretended like she had. And to Nate, that was unforgivable. Even if he wasn't one to stay mad. The way he thought of Chuck would be forever changed. And then there was Lily. Lily clearly cared about him, but even she wouldn't be able to truthfully deny that it was easier without him. Under the influence of Rufus, her thoughts may slowly change to his. She might still care about him, but would be too worried about what people would think and what would happen, as usual. And Eric was too close to Jenny. He would take her side in this.

And who else was there? He was alone. So he did what he did best-he left. It was understandable, with what had happened. He left without a word of where he was going. He didn't want anyone to contact him, or maybe he didn't want to know that someone could contact him, but chose not to. Better to think that no one could contact him at all, even though he knew that no one would try to.

He went to Prague, one of his personal favorites. And there? Well, that's all I knew. Something happened there.

I could guess some of it. Clubs, women, alcohol, drugs…the normal escapes. But something made him leave. Something made him change. Not into a better person, maybe, but a different one. One who built up a mask to hide his emotions. One who had convinced even himself that he didn't have any. One who had almost convinced me of the same thing.

Then he had come back, and concentrated solely on business, as far as I knew. But he had to have some contact with people besides at work. He had to have. He's not a very social person, but everyone needs to have friends.

It gives me a headache, thinking about all of this. I don't know if I can ever break his mask, but I need it to happen soon, because I'm not sure if I can stand waiting much longer.

I have to come up with a plan.

I can always just try talking to him. Chuck was never one to talk about his feelings, but when we were dating he was usually able to do it. I can at least try to talk to him seriously.

I also have a few other ideas. I could try to trigger emotions with strong emotions on my part. Strong sadness or happiness might work, but anger was probably what was most likely to work. An argument would make Chuck feel defensive, and he had no trouble getting into an argument in the past. He might get angry too, and that might break the mask, making his other emotions follow. But I was worried about some things in this plan. What if he got so angry at me that he shut me out completely, and wouldn't even talk to me anymore? Or what if this only triggered anger and no other emotions, and he just stayed an angry person? So far, angry emotions had made his mask break a little. It might work again.

A third option was to find some things out for myself. If I could find out some things, I could bring them up, making him feel uncomfortable, like he had when he talked about Prague. He would feel like he needed to justify or explain it, which might give me more information. But if Chuck found out what I was doing, he would be furious. And how would I find the information, anyways? Hire a PI? Search his hotel? It would be hard…but then I always liked that kind of game.

I decide on just trying them all. They may not be the best plans, but they're all I have.

I try my tactic of just talking to Chuck the next day.

I ask the man at the front desk to call up to Chuck's room and ask if I can come up, and I'm surprised when he tells me that Chuck said yes. I go on up and find him looking at some papers on the couch.

"Hi Chuck!" I say chirpily when I come in, not wanting him upset or uncomfortable just yet. I don't want him to kick me out. "How are you?"

He turns around when he hears me and I'm expecting to see his face still angry. But it's mastered that mask. I've caused some cracks. Serena and Lily caused the newest one. But I still have a long way to go. He spent years mastering that, and I've only been here a few weeks. But I did have the element of surprise when I first came here-he didn't know I was coming. He didn't prepare for having to control his emotions in front of his old friends.

"I should've known you'd be back," he said.

"Oh?"

"You haven't left yet, what made me think you would leave now?"

"You thought I would leave?" I ask in surprise.

He shrugs. I hate this indifference to everything I say.

"And you're gone again," I sigh.

"Excuse me?"

"Sometimes I get you to answer something personal, but barely. Other times you won't even answer the simplest questions. One of the only real answers you've ever given me, one of the only times I got a glimpse of what might be going on inside your head, was last night. But now you're gone again."

"Blair, I let you up here so we could talk. So that we could be friends. So that you could get whatever it is that you still haven't found here. But not so that we could talk about feelings that don't even exist, that you've made up."

"You're kidding only yourself when you say that you really don't feel anything. Maybe you've convinced yourself of that over the years. Maybe you don't feel things the way you used to because you've convinced yourself that you don't. But now that I'm back, now that you've seen Lily and Serena, you must feel something."

He doesn't say anything, so I continue.

"I thought that I believed you at first, that you had no feelings anymore. But I've seen small signs in the past few weeks that suggest that you still have them, even if they've been buried deep inside of you. You just temporarily stepped out of life. And here's your chance to step back in. Why won't you take it? Why were you so mad last night? Is it about what you said, about how I didn't come looking for you?"

Chuck won't even look at me.

I go over to him and sit right next to him.

"What are you so afraid of?" I ask softly. "What do you have to lose?"

He looks at me and takes a deep breath. "How do they expect me to welcome them with open arms when they've hated me all of these years? When they've avoided me. You I can understand, at least a little, and you came back first. But they took an event that wasn't about them and made it into an excuse for completely shutting them out. I may not have come home to beg for forgiveness, but they didn't support me when I needed them most. They didn't understand….maybe if they had known….but no, I couldn't have…I can't even now….what would it change….and it's the reason they must go anyways. It will just make everything more difficult."

At this point he's making no sense whatsoever to me, but he's finally opening up, so I just sit there and nod.

He looks up at me, as if just realizing that I'm there.

"Why are you here?" he asks. "When did you come in?"

"I've been here for at least ten minutes now. Don't you remember?" I ask cautiously.

Chuck looks confused for a moment. "Of course," he says finally. "Sorry."

"It's okay…"

"I need some time alone right now, Blair."

I nod. I've done all I can do for today. Maybe I can try again another day, but right now I'm too concentrated on what he's just said.

"But you're still free tonight, right? For drinks?"

He looks at me for a long time.

Then he smiles. "Yes," he says. "See you then."

Reassured, I leave him to his thoughts and decide to go shopping before drinks.

It's 9:30, and Chuck is officially a half hour late.

I tell myself that he's just working late and that he'll be here soon, but as every minute ticks by, I start to realize more and more that I'm just kidding myself.

At first I'm disappointed and sad that he's not here. That I won't get to see him. That he didn't bother to show up.

Then I get angry. We've been doing this for weeks. What makes him think that it'd be okay to just not show up tonight? And he didn't even tell me. In fact, when I asked if he was coming, he lied to my face by saying yes.

I know that he's not working late. He would have texted me or something if that were the case. He's in his room, just hanging out. Or worse, with some other girl. It's not even close to being cheating, but I still feel betrayed. This is our time. He can do whatever he wants the rest of the time, or he can just cancel. But lie to me? This is unacceptable.

I can just imagine him, laughing with some girl in his room. About me, sitting down here alone. Not that that was even anything that he would do. But after all these years…who knew?

The more I wait the angrier I get. How can he do this to me?

I'll go up and get him. He can't get away with this.

By the time I get to his room, I'm furious, and I storm into his room.

"Chuck?" I called. "Chuck! I know you're in here!"

A woman from housekeeping walked out of his room, and her eyes widened when she saw me.

"Miss! You can't be in here right now. Mr. Bass is not taking visitors."

"What do you mean?" I ask suspiciously. Chuck may be insisting that he's changed, but this just proves that he hasn't. A flustered-looking, young, attractive maid coming out of his room? Sounds just like Chuck.

She's walked up to me now, practically pushing me out of the room.

"No!" I insist. "We had an appointment. He's…expecting me."

"Whatever it is, I'm sure you two can reschedule."

"Why isn't he free?"

"Mr. Bass is ill. He doesn't want any visitors."

"Ill? I highly doubt it."

I push past her and rush into Chuck's room.

There's no one there.

I look around for a moment before I hear the unmistakable sound of someone throwing up in the bathroom.

I take a deep breath. Suddenly I feel very stupid. This whole thing has been driving me crazy. I would never have stormed into someone's room uninvited like this a few months ago. I slowly turn and walk away. Chuck doesn't want me here. He's sick. I won't bother him. I don't need to be so possessive. I don't need to play the "wife", as Chuck, long ago, once told me not to do.

I quietly leave, avoiding the gaze of the housekeeping maid.

I'll give him a few days to recuperate. But when he gets better, I'll keep trying to break through.

It's time to deal with Serena.

I've been ignoring her calls since the other night, when she and Lily showed up at Chuck's gala.

But I can't avoid them forever, and I don't want to. Some things are meant to be kept from Serena, but other things are too big, too important to keep away. And anyways, she's already found out. I just have to give her the details now. Well, not every detail, but enough.

It's time to deal with a Serena, but even more than that, it's time to go home.

I pack my bags and check out of the hotel, ready for my vacation from my vacation. This trip to the empire has turned out to be a lot more work than I thought it would be.

I don't tell Chuck I'm going. The maid will tell him I was there. He'll know that I'm aware he's sick. He'll know I won't be waiting for him at the bar.

I go home to my house, and it feels great to finally have some normalcy. Serena is a little mad at me for keeping this from her, and for ignoring her calls, but I know it won't last. She's too excited to hear all about what I've been doing the past few weeks.

"So you went to see him right after we had that talk?" she asks when I finish my story. "And you've been with him since?"

I nod. I didn't tell her about that mask. I told her that he's been very private, but nothing more than that. It's just something that she has to see for herself to completely understand.

"I'm still mad at you, you know," she says, but the smile on her face tells me otherwise. "But one more thing-why was he so mad when he saw us?"

"None of us went looking for him, Serena. Imagine how you would feel. He was all alone. We all hated him. No one showed any signs of wanting to see him, and all of a sudden we show up and pretend like we're super close?"

Serena hesitates, then nods. "Okay, I get it. I just wish he would forgive us. We've forgiven him."

I shrug, wanting to change the subject. "So, what's been happening with you and Nate? Have you been talking to him?"

"A little, but not much. But I'll have to tell him how to contact Chuck-I know that he'll want to talk to him."

I think about what Chuck said. "Are you sure that's a good idea?" I ask carefully.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know if it's a good idea for any of you to talk to Chuck just yet."

"But you get to talk to him!" Serena protested.

"That's different. It will take time. He's not ready to forgive everyone just yet."

"Fine. Whatever you say. Just…talk to him, okay? I want to talk to him. We all do."

I nod. "I'll see what I can do."

I'm back at the hotel in a week. The doorman and the man at the front desk are now used to seeing me there, so they greet me kindly when I do up to Chuck's room.

This time there's no maid, and it doesn't take long to find him. He's lying on the couch, just staring at the ceiling, surrounded by a few bottles. He doesn't seem to be sick anymore, but he does look paler than usual.

"Blair," he says in greeting.

His voice is a little off, but it's no wonder with all of those bottles.

I sigh and start cleaning them up.

"How are you feeling?" I ask him as I do this.

"Not so great," he responds.

"Headache?" I guess.

He nods.

"Have you had anything to drink this morning?"

"No," he responds. "Not this morning…"

I walk into his bathroom and look in the medicine cabinet, searching for some headache medication.

I find it pretty soon, but I can't help seeing all of the other bottles of pills. An unusual amount. All prescription pills. And all prescribed to Charles Bass.

I pick one up along with the headache medication and bring them to Chuck.

"Here you go," I say, handing him the pills.

I watch him as he dry-swallows them.

"Chuck," I say cautiously. "What are all of the pills in your medicine cabinet for?"

I hold out the container of some pills to Chuck.

He looks a little panicked for a second, making me nervous. Has Chuck been taking prescribed pills? Did he get addicted or something?

"Those are….well they…." He tries.

I raise me eyebrows.

"I had some problems in Prague," he admits.

"Like what?"

"Like…too much drinking. Those pills are old. I got them when I came back. I'm fine though, now. That's why I usually order water at the bar."

"You should have told me," I say quietly.

He shrugs. "I didn't want to worry you."

"What about last night? You certainly didn't order water then."

"It's okay to treat yourself every once in a while."

"And getting drunk is treating yourself? It seems like this is what got you into trouble in the first place."

"Look, I don't need you to look after me, Blair. I'm fine. I can drink when I want to."

"I'm just trying to help."

"I don't need help."

"Okay, fine. I won't do anything to help you out anymore."

"Is that all?"

"Yes."

I get up and go to the bathroom to put the medicine away.

But as I put it back, I notice something. On the bottles.

None of them are dated three years ago. Almost all of them are recent. And the one in my hand?

It's dated a week earlier, from when he was sick.

And somehow, by the size of these pills and the strange name on the front, I don't think that these pills are for your average stomach bug.

**AN: Okay. So I posted the chapter, even though I told myself I wouldn't until I fixed it. But at this point I don't know if there's anything I can do. It'd be easier to start from scratch but that would mean starting the story over, and I don't want to do that. Even if I did, it wouldn't be much different because these ideas and dialogue would still be in my head and I'd have to write them again. All I can do is just try my best to have them b less OOC in my next story, and meanwhile, in this one, just do the best I can. I don't have a beta, and I'd really like one, but none of my friends read or write gg fanfic (my old beta for hp fanfic was my friend) and I don't know if I'd feel comfortable sending chapters to a stranger. Anyone who has a beta want to tell me if it helped or not? Anyways, I've had a lot of trouble editing this chapter, so most of the time I'd get frustrated and just write more chapters, which probably wasn't a good idea because now I'll have to edit those too, and it would have been easier if I'd fixed the OOC thing first. So now I'm in the middle of Chapter 7. So…give me ur feedback, let me know if the OOC thing is bothering you, or if you have suggestions or anything. Let me know if you think I should edit and post the next few chapters or wait until I figure out how to make them less OOC. **

**K…bye! Please review! **

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	4. Fighting And Sneaking

**Chapter 4: Fighting and Sneaking **

I don't mention the pills to Chuck again. He's lied to me, and I know that it's for a reason. If he wants to tell me, he will. If not…well, that's why I write down the name of the pills. If I ever need it. Just in case.

"I brought lunch!" I say in greeting when I walk into Chuck's room.

"Blair, how many times do I have to tell you that I don't like meeting in my room?"

I ignore that and set the food down.

"Is it really that hard to call first, too? What if I was busy?"

"Well, you usually are," I point out, gesturing to the papers around him. "But you never seem to do anything but work, so a break never hurts you. You obviously agree, or you'd send me out."

"I try to," he says, but he doesn't try to kick me out.

He pauses.

"What if you show up one day and I'm not here?"

"Then I'll leave."

He looks a little suspicious, but drops the subject. The fact that he obviously feels pretty strongly about me not being here when he's gone makes me a little suspicious myself. I find myself wondering, once again, what he's hiding.

We start on the food and I catch Chuck staring at me. I blush and look down, putting my food back on the tray.

"What? Do I have something on my face?"

"No," he says, and quickly looks down.

"Look, Chuck, sooner or later, you're going to have to talk to Lily and Serena," I say, quickly changing the subject.

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Yes, there is. You used to be so close with both of them, especially Lily."

"They chose you over me. So I chose you over them too," Chuck shrugs.

"I'm touched," I say sarcastically, even though I'm secretly happy about what he said. "Really, though, I know that they didn't contact you, but you didn't exactly give them a chance to. You disappeared to Prague-doing who knows what…"

I wait but he doesn't try to explain. He's getting too used to my tactics for trying to break down the mask.

"…then you didn't come back to New York. How did you expect them to find you?"

"But they didn't even try. They could've found me easily. I'm pretty well-known, if you haven't noticed."

"But they're trying now. Come on. Give them a second chance."

"Why should I when they didn't give me one?"

"Chuck, you've had about a million second chances from both of them."

"And they've probably had more than their share from me too."

"But that was all in the past. All of us, we stick together. No matter what. Even if we forgot for a little bit."

"I wish I could say something to make you understand, Blair. I can't know them again. I shouldn't even know you…it's bad for both of us."

"You keep on saying that, yet you never have a good reason," I say, agitated.

"I do, I promise. I really just don't want you to get hurt. And I…I don't want to get too attached."

"Why not? Why is it so bad if we're friends?"

Chuck is silent for a long time. The mood in the room has changed, somehow.

"Friends…would be bad. But maybe it would be okay, maybe…"

"So, what's the problem? We're friends."

I know it's true, and so does Chuck.

"I know…"

"But?"

"I'm not too worried about us being friends, Blair…"

I'm silent for a moment, thinking about this.

"I don't know what you mean…" I say slowly.

He looks very uncomfortable. It strikes me that maybe I'm breaking through again, but I haven't done anything this time. It confuses me. One of my tactics was to get him to open up, but I really didn't try to this time. I'm excited at the revelation that he might not need my help to open up anymore, but this conversation is slowly, I can tell, getting into dangerous waters. I know what's coming next, and a part of me wishes I could turn around and run away before he tells me what we both know is true. But another part of me keeps me stuck where I'm sitting, forcing myself to hear this. I need to hear it, even if it will make me angry.

"We can never be just friends for too long. It's only a matter of time before…well, before we start the whole cycle again. And I don't think that we can handle going through it again."

I'm silent for a moment. "I see. So you just think that I'm weak then? That I'll come crawling back to you no matter what? I made a promise to you, Chuck, to stand by you, and I'm trying to. But that does not go so far as to love you again. Nothing can do that."

I think I see him flinch a little. "No, Blair, I just think that-"

"No, you think that I'll always be waiting for you, don't you? You just-"

"Blair, we're inevitable! When we're together, we have to be a couple. We can't help it!"

"We can. We didn't speak to each other for three years!" I try to argue.

"But we couldn't keep it up," he points out.

"I couldn't. That's what you're saying. I couldn't stay away." I say, quieter now.

And with these words, I'm blaming myself too. I'm mad at myself for coming here, suddenly. Why did I do it? I'm not accomplishing anything, and what is my goal? I finally manage to break the mask, and then what? I stay friends with Chuck? No, my goal is much bigger than that. In my heart, I know my goal is to get him back, somehow. Not just to break the mask, but to get the old Chuck completely back. To somehow go back in time and reverse what happened, and somehow have him again. To somehow be able to be with him again. Because maybe he's right, Chuck and Blair are inevitable. But this new Chuck, although he sometimes shows hints of it, is not the old Chuck. But sometimes I forget, and as always, I get lost in my fantasy. Chuck is not going to wake up back to what he used to be tomorrow. And even if he did, how would I believe him? Some version of Chuck has broken my trust, and now I cannot allow any form of him to get it back.

"No, Blair, it was me too. I promised myself I wouldn't speak to you again. And then you came back, and I did. I didn't just do that, either. I let you stay here. I let us become friends again."

Friends? Hardly! I want to yell at him, to tell him why I'm no frustrated with him. I'm saying the words aloud before I even realize I am.

"Not quite. You still have on that stupid mask, every time I talk to you! Even now, I still don't feel like I'm completely talking to you!"

"I'm only trying to protect you, Blair!"

"Protect me? From what?"

"From getting hurt," he says simply. "But what even makes you think I'm not me right now? What's different?"

"What's different is that you're still hiding something from me! I can just tell. And I saw the date on those pills."

Chuck looked shocked for a moment. "So?" he says after recovering.

"So I know they're recent. What are they for, Chuck?" I demand, my voice rising even more.

"Nothing."

"They're obviously for something, or you wouldn't have them!" I'm slightly hysterical now.

"Stop acting like you know me! Like you know my life! It's not your business what they're for! I never asked you to come here, Blair. And now I'm asking you to leave. Let's just try to go back to our lives. We have to stay apart."

"Chuck, I don't know what this…obsession with getting me away from you is-" I take a deep breath. I want to tell him that fine, I'll leave, but I'm never coming back. I never want to see you face again. But I do, I need to, and the desire to finally break the mask and really see his face again is what makes me say-

"-But I'm not leaving."

I turn on my heel and leave.

When I get outside, I think about how I may have broken the mask with the second option. That maybe there was never a mask at all. He may hide his emotions, but he's just told me exactly what he feels, and I could see it written all over his face anyways. The face that I keep telling myself is hidden by a mask. But the look on his face confused me. The look on his face was one of desperation. It was pleading. It was telling me that maybe it couldn't find the words right now but that I needed to trust it. It was telling me that maybe he still loved me, somehow, and that was the reason he needed me to stay away.

Or maybe it was the mask, and it was just telling me to go away. The mask matched the words better anyways.

Maybe I had broken the mask. But I can't let myself believe that. If I did, there would be nothing left to fight for. Because if I had, the old Chuck, the _real_ one, wasn't underneath. The real Chuck wouldn't have been able to let me stay away. He wouldn't be able to.

So I hold onto the belief that the mask is still there, and I promise myself that I'll keep trying to break it, desperately hoping that there's something to break.

And this desperation brings me to a conclusion, a decision:

It's time to try the third option.

I need to get someone to distract Chuck.

Serena is probably my best bet. I could have Lily help, too. Maybe even Nate.

But I can't let them know that they're just a distraction. They won't go along with my plan.

I don't think I'll be able to convince Chuck to visit them, especially because we're not exactly on the best terms with each other right now. The only way to do this is to tell Serena to visit him. Hopefully he won't run away, like he did last time.

I call Serena, and she picks up right away.

"Hey, Blair."

"Serena, remember how you wanted to talk to Chuck?"

"Yeah…"

"Well, now is a good time."

"Really? He says it's okay?"

"He's fine with it," I lie. "Just don't push too hard, okay? He's not going to want to talk a lot about the past. Just tell him that you aren't here to talk about that, you just want to hang out. Don't let him change his mind about letting you talk to him. Don't let him run away again."

"Okay…should I take my mom? And Nate and Eric?"

"Sure," I say. The more people there are, the harder it will be for Chuck to get away.

"When should we meet up with him?"

"Tonight," I say. "Wait in the lobby of the empire around 9. I'm not sure when he'll get back, but it should be sometime around then."

"Alright, Blair. I'll let everyone know. Thank you. I'll let you know how it goes."

"Why don't you text me when you see him? And then when you leave. Just so that I know that you talked to him."

Serena sounds a little confused at this, but she agrees and hangs up.

I would just go into his room while he's at work, but I don't know if he'll stop there for anything during the day or arrive early that night. I need to know exactly when he's gone, and Serena has just provided the perfect distraction.

I sit in my hotel room and wait.

Serena texts me around 9:30 to tell me that they've just spotted him.

I rush out of my room and take the elevator up to his room. His room is empty, with no maids, thankfully.

I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for. But I know there must be something to find here.

I start at the medicine cabinet. I take some paper and a pen out of my purse and copy down the names of all of the medicines and all of the dates on the bottles.

I'm not really sure where to go next, so I just decide to look in his room. There are some drawers in there, and I can look for anything he's hiding.

There's nothing interesting in the first one, just some socks. I look in the next few, too, but I can't find anything. I'm careful to put everything back exactly where I found it. He can't know that I've been here.

I find a box that I can't open. There's no key that I can find, so I have no choice but to leave it. I want to take it and find a way to break it open, but Chuck would definitely notice if it was broken or missing.

Next I go into a sort of office he has. I look in the desk drawers, and I find a bunch of folders and paperwork. There's nothing interesting, just a bunch of business things I don't understand.

I'm about to put a folder back when something falls out and clatters to the floor. It's a key! It must be to that box I found.

I'm about to leave to go open the room when something on the desk catches my eye.

It's a hospital bill. I pick it up and examine it, and I can see that it's pretty expensive. Why has Chuck been in the hospital? This and the pills are making me very uneasy.

I copy down the amount on the bill and the name of the hospital and leave the room, going back into Chuck's bedroom.

I find the box again and open it.

I almost expect to see diamonds the size of my hand or secret FBI documents, but I'm disappointed when I just see paper. I want to just close the box, because after all, how could anything really interesting be on that paper? They're probably just the papers for the company or something like that.

But the fact that they were in a locked box intrigues me. I take the first one out. I notice that it's a letter, and then almost drop it in surprise.

It's addressed to me.

**AN: And now the title will make sense. I just want to say thank you to all of those who told me that the OOC isn't bad and that I should continue writing, and to those who originally told me it was OOC. Thank you for your opinions, they really helped. I'm not really sure when the next chapter will be posted, but I get off for Christmas break Friday, so probably next weekend or that week. I'm actually really excited and really nervous to post that chapter! Once again, thanks for reviewing! **

**Oh and I'm really sorry I don't respond to reviews….I promise I read and appreciate every single one though! I'm going to try to get better about that and start responding more when I find the time…**

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	5. Dear Blair

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl or the characters. **

**Chapter 5 **

_Dear Blair, _

I just stare at it for a minute. It's to me? Are these all letters? And are they all to me? I check quickly and find that they are.

I feel a little bad reading personal letters, but these are to me. Surely it's alright if I read them?

I start to read the first one. It's dated September 2010. After that summer where everything changed...

_Dear Blair, _

_I've only just started this letter but I know I'll never send it to you. You hate me. Everyone does. I don't know what to do. I just feel so lost. And alone. I can't think of anyone I can go to right now. If I could choose, it would be you, but you won't answer me. Or you'll just do what you do best and use it against me somehow. _

I'm a little offended at that, although I am the kind of person who would do that. But even though I was hurt that summer, I would never have done anything to hurt him.

Already, the honesty of this letter surprises me. I don't see Chuck ever really talking about his feelings like this to me. When he's ever really upset, like he was then, he shuts me out instead of letting me in. It was one of our biggest problems. His honesty makes me almost excited to keep reading. He was never planning on sending this to me, which makes me feel bad about reading it but also makes me want to read it more, because he'd never tell me these things otherwise. But I almost instantly regret my decision as I read the next line and my heart almost stops.

_I was shot a few months ago._

I gasp at this. Shot? That's what happened in Prague?

I had asked if life had caught up with him there. And he had said "Something like that." I should've known then that something was wrong. It takes me a few minutes to calm down. After all, he's fine now, right? He's still alive. Perfectly alive and…well. Right?

But what about those pills? My head screams. What about that hospital bill?

I don't want to read on now. I don't want to know what this letter has to say. But I have to. I've started now, and I can't stop. I continue reading, a sense of dread deep inside of me.

_I tried to keep your engagement ring, because they were trying to take it from me. The guys who did it. I tried, I really did. I was going to propose to you. I think you know that. I couldn't let them have it. Even though you'd never seen it, it was yours. I couldn't let them take the last piece of you that I had._

An engagement ring? That's what he got shot for? It's romantic, but I feel terrible that he got shot because of a stupid engagement ring. His life was so much more important to me than a ring back then, and it still is.

Of course I'd known what he was doing. I'd known he was going to propose. But I shut it out of my mind as soon as I found out about what had happened with Jenny. I regret that so much now…maybe it would have helped me forgive him. Maybe I could have gotten him to stay, instead of running away to Prague, running straight into a bullet.

_So they shot me, and I knew it was over. I thought I was going to die, Blair. And honestly, I wanted to. Anything to end all of the pain. _

I bite me lip at this. The pain? Was it my fault? Would it have been my fault, if he had died there, all alone?

_But I didn't die. I woke up and I was scared. I was scared for it all to be over. I was a coward. Now that I knew it was possible to live, I didn't want to die. But who was I to call? Who would stand by that stupid hospital cot and help me through it all? _

Me! I want to scream. I would've. No matter what had happened, if Chuck had been hurt, I would have been there by his side. I would have been there the whole time. Why couldn't he have just told me?

_There was no one. No one would want to come. I didn't ask anyone. I told them not to call anyone. I told them that I didn't have any parents, any friends, any girlfriends or wives. I told them I was alone. _

_And I was. _

I feel terribly guilty for this. But I try to justify it; he brought this upon himself. It was his own fault that he was alone.

But he did _not_ deserve to be shot.

_So I got better, bit by bit. But it was hard to take care of all of the paperwork and bills by myself. They didn't know how rich I was. I didn't get great care. It didn't help that I got out of there way earlier than I should have. You know how I hate hospitals. _

I find myself nodding, even though I know he can't see me.

_So when I got back to New York, I waited a while, but I eventually went to a better hospital. A very private one. I didn't want anyone knowing about this. And…it's infected. The wound. Badly. And I'm so scared. The doctors…they don't know what will happen. They tried to sugar-coat it at first, to protect me I guess, but I got them to tell me the truth about how bad it is. And it's really bad, Blair. Terrible. They told me…I could die. _

Die?

_In fact, it's likely. And I have to be ready. But I'm not. I'm not ready to go yet. I can't go without telling you goodbye, Blair. And there's nowhere to turn. I wish I could really tell you all of this, but I can't. I'm going to go burn this in the fire now. So in case I never get the chance to say this…Goodbye, Blair. I love you. _

_-Chuck _

Chuck could die? No. He can't. He's not going to. I can't even process this new information.

This is not what I wanted to find. But maybe it's better now. Maybe these pills are helping it get better. Maybe it's almost gone.

With trembling hands, I take out the next letter.

_Dear Blair, _

_I don't know why I kept the last letter. I don't even know why I'm writing another one. _

_Things are going alright. Or, they're going terribly. The good news is that they were able to delay the spread of the infection. _

I breathe a sigh of relief. But he wrote delay….not stop.

_The bad news? It's not permanent, and I'm going to die. Pretty soon. It could be a few months. It could be a few years. But either way, I won't make it past my 23__rd__ birthday. _

23rd birthday? But that's so soon…

_I used to think I'd be with you on my 23__rd __birthday. We'd be married, maybe even with a kid. We'd be young and completely in love. We'd be happy. _

_Well, Blair, I'm anything but happy. The people at work? They look at me like scared little mice. They talk about me behind my back. They all hate me. None of them are friends. None of them know about my looming death. Who will take over the company after I die? I have no idea. _

_Are you happy, Blair? Are you happy without me? I bet you are. _

A single tear drips on the paper.

"I wasn't," I whisper. "I wasn't happy…"

_I hope you are. No matter what, I want you to be happy, Blair. _

_Goodbye, Blair. I love you. _

_-Chuck _

I'm crying now, hard. My tears fall down and splash onto the letter, smudging the words. I hastily put it away, not wanting to ruin it. They feel like pieces of the heart that once belonged to me in my hand, far more broken than the last time I held it.

I take out the rest of the letters.

_Dear Blair, _

_Things are going great for the company. I wonder if you know. Do you think about me? I think about you, all of the time. I hope you're happy, I really do. I try to stay away from New York for you. I have buildings elsewhere. I don't want to hurt you again. _

_Do you miss me? _

Yes, I want to say to him. I do miss him. I miss the old version of him, the one writing these letters, even the one that would have never told me what these letters contain.

_I miss you, so much. So much that it hurts. Lately I've been looking at your number in my contacts, wanting to press call but never doing it. You might have changed you number anyways. You probably have, if I know you. And I do. Better than I know myself. _

_All I want is to just see your face one last time. But if I do, everything that I've worked so hard for, all of my putting up a happy, or at least not an unhappy face on, it'll all crumble and break. So I can't. _

_Goodbye, Blair. I love you. _

_-Chuck _

I read the rest of the letters, trying not to cry so hard that I couldn't read them. They all talk about how sorry he is, and how he wishes things were different, how me misses me and loves me and always will. How he doesn't go on dates, or out with friends. No girl would want to go out with him anyways. And he doesn't have any friends. They all end with "Goodbye, Blair. I love you." He tells me he does that so that it will always be the last thing he "says" to me. It's all very romantic and very painful to read because of the information it holds. I read them all until I get to the very last one, where I'm not even sure if I can read another one.

_Dear Blair, _

_This will be the last letter I write you. _

_You're here. That's too hard for me. I can't have you here. _

_You tell me to come back to you, but I'm right here. I can't show anything, though. It's too much, it's too hard. _

_You don't want this. You don't want to be friends with me when I'm so close to death. _

_I stopped any kind of treatment last week. I'm not responding to it. There are only a few more weeks for me. _

_But for you? You have your whole life ahead of you. You need to leave and start living it. Forget about me. _

_Sometimes I think, I hope, that you might still love me, after all this. _

_But I know it's not true. How could you? _

_I don't know why you're back. _

_But I can't have you here any longer. I'll crack. I'll scare you. I'll yell and I'll cry and everything that I've held in for so long will come out, and it will scare you away. _

_I try to explain why you need to leave, but, being stubborn as always, you never listen. _

_Even if you do love me, I can't let this continue. _

_Not with only weeks left. It'd be too selfish. I've caused you too much pain already. If you stay here, if we become close again, it will only hurt more when I'm gone. I need you to leave. Please. _

_You need to leave before I'm gone. Before it's too late. _

_I need to protect you. It's my last wish. _

_Goodbye, Blair. I love you. _

_-Chuck _

I can't hold it in anymore at this point. I sob uncontrollably, rocking back and forth, clutching the last letter. The rest are scattered on the floor.

I don't hear him come in. It's only when he's in the room with me that I heard him.

"What are you doing?" he asks in a deadly tone.

I stop crying and look up at his face. He looks furious. I'm too upset to be happy that I've sparked an emotion in him.

"What did you did? What did you read? Did you read those?" he demands.

"N-no, I didn't-I mean-oh, Chuck…" I say, unable to continue, looking at his face desperately, searching for some signs of emotion other than anger.

"Get out," he says quietly.

I sniff in a very unladylike way, but I can't help it.

"GET OUT!" he yells.

I get up and run out of the room, still holding the last letter.

I quickly check out of the hotel. I'd left my phone in Chuck's room. It was in my purse, in his office. That must have been why I didn't get Serena's text that he was coming up.

I rush to the door, needing to leave this place, before I realize that there's nowhere to go. Serena, Lily, Nate, and Eric are gone. I can't go home. Serena will be waiting to tell me all about her visit with Chuck, and I won't be able to control myself. She'll see how upset I am, and then I'll have to tell her.

I can't go back to my room, either. I don't want to, and I've already checked out, anyways.

So I drag my suitcase out onto the streets and go to a gross bar nearby. There's all of these middle-aged guys drinking beer and watching the T.V., cheering at something on the screen. There's a very scantily clad girl passed out at a table. I wrinkle my nose in distaste at the kind of people here, even in my sadness. This place is anything but classy. Being in a place like this is not like me at all. But I need this right now.

I know that Chuck won't follow me. He'll expect me to have left, anyways. And I did leave.

And he might not even want to follow me.

I sit at the bar and just cry on my arms. I can't handle it…it's all too much. I want to scream. The people around me are just talking and laughing, but I can't see how they can do that when my life is falling apart. I feel like it's me that's dying, instead of him. And in a way, it is. Chuck is a part of me. He always has been.

Chuck is going to dead in just weeks, maybe less? Maybe just days, even hours. That last letter is from weeks ago, when I first showed up at the Empire to visit Chuck. He wrote that he had only weeks left then. So what about now?

"Rough night?" The bartender asks me, and I look up.

I just sniff in response.

He gives me a pitying look. "This one's on me."

He slides a drink towards me. I look at it for a moment, and then I pick it up and down it in less than a minute.

I order another.

**AN: Okay….pleasee don't hate me forever! I know I seem to be very mean to characters in my stories….I don't mean to be! I had planned on this from the start, hence the title. I feel kind of bad putting such an awful plot twist in. Oh, and I don't know if the letters were kinda cheesy, and too romantic for Chuck….in all honesty, I think they were. But I kind of wanted to overdo it because it'd be sadder that way and stuff…I don't really know. I just finished Chapter 10, I think…what is this? Chapter 5? I'm still not sure how many chapters there will be. So please, don't be mad about what I wrote, and don't be too harsh about the cheesiness of the letters, I'm aware. I guess I just didn't know how to write them any other way. Oh, and I think 3 people predicted this… I did put in some hints, just the pills and the hospital bill really. Well, the people didn't exactly predict this, but they were close…one person just guessed that he dies (which I will neither confirm nor affirm) and another told me that I should make him have cancer as a story twist…same kind of idea! And then another person guessed that the bullet caused some permanent damage. Also, I think a lot of people said that there was something wrong with him. So please review, but don't be too harsh! I want to know what you think though. Oh, and I recently realized that where I usually put a line to separate different parts of a chapter, there's no line. It doesn't show up when I upload the chapter. So I'm just doing a bunch of blank lines in between now. Sorry if that was confusing! **

**Next chapter will not be from Blair's point of view, but the rest probably will be. **

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**Reviewing: ****Samantha, QueenBee10, HughLaurieLover, ilovecujo1993, XOXObabyV, chaval, avrilk, majken, Aleshaa, and I3GG **

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	6. Before It's Too Late

**AN: Thanks to everyone who reviewed, I'm glad you weren't mad at me! One person asked if it was a tragedy or a drama, and it's true, this could be a tragedy more than a drama, but I thought it would give it away if I put it in the tragedy category. Maybe I will now though…enjoy! **

**Chapter 6 **

**Chuck **

Seeing Blair in my room scared me to death. Maybe not an appropriate term to use, given the circumstances, but it nearly did.

I noticed what she was holding, and my worst fears were confirmed.

She'd read the letters.

They were just supposed to be harmless, just supposed to be meant to help me cope. I never really intended on her seeing them.

In fact, I'd been hiding what was in those letters for the whole time she was here.

Maybe that was what drove her to sneak into my room and look around.

I want to be mad at her for this, and I was at first, but after she left I felt nothing but empty. And maybe a little mad at myself. It was my own fault for keeping this from her in the first place. She was bound to find out eventually.

It's not my fault, I tell myself. I only wanted to help her, to protect her.

It's better if she stays away. I tried so hard not to let her back into my life, but in the end I couldn't do it. She was too stubborn. And I was weak.

At least I'd managed to keep this from her for a while. I'd managed not to fall apart in front of her.

That was something, at least. Although I had yelled at her…

And now I'm sitting alone, on the couch. Like so many other nights.

The meeting with Serena and the others had gone…okay. I hadn't wanted to see them. I didn't want to talk to them. Partly for the same reason I didn't want to let Blair back in my life, but also because I was still mad.

But they had made it very easy, talking to them. I didn't let on that I was glad to see them, because even though I was mad at them, I was happy too. So relieved that I wasn't alone anymore.

I just faked indifference, like I had for so long. I told them a bit about my life but shrugged them off as soon as possible, hoping that they would stay but at the same time knowing that they needed to stay away. For their own good.

I headed upstairs, but I did not expect to see Blair there. I did not expect her to be sitting there, reading every painful detail of my biggest secret.

The old Chuck Bass is gone. Can't she tell?

Or maybe he isn't, just hidden away. It doesn't matter. Soon it will be too late to matter. It's no use trying to change back now.

This indifference is so much easier, anyways. I can pretend it isn't happening, and that is the only thing that keeps me sane.

I can only think about it when I am writing those letters.

I even try not to think about it while at the hospital. I have to think about something else there. I hate it there. It's my fault that I lost everything that ever mattered anything to me and then I became doomed to spend the rest of my short life in the place I hate most. It's my fault for doing such bad things to deserve that.

But Blair doesn't deserve this. She does not deserve to see me die. Because for some crazy reason, a few years ago, she had fallen in love with me. And you can't just turn that off. Somewhere, deep down, I suspect-or maybe just hope-that she still loves me. I know that she at least cares about me.

Where is she now? Surely she wouldn't just give up. Maybe I should talk to her, explain…maybe lie. To get her not to worry. Maybe I can say I've been saved, somehow. That I am going to live.

But she won't believe me. I can't fool her that easily.

Even so, I want to see her, to at least apologize for yelling at her.

So I call the front desk to ask if she has checked out of her room, and they tell me that she has.

I'm starting to worry. Where is she?

I don't want to, but I dial a number on the phone, one that I hope has not changed in the past three years.

"Hello?" Serena asks after a few rings.

"Serena."

"Chuck?" She sounds surprised.

"Yes?"

"I didn't know you still had my number."

"Why would I delete it?"

"I…I don't know. What is it? It's late."

"I know. Is Blair with you?"

"No," Serena says slowly. "Why? What happened?"

Suddenly Serena sounds worried.

"Is she okay?" she asks, concerned.

"I don't know. That's why I'm calling. Something…happened. We had a fight, I guess you could say. I told her to get out of my room."

"Why would you do that?" Serena demands angrily.

"She snuck in," I explain simply.

"And?" She doesn't get it. How could she?

"She found something that I'd really rather she'd never seen."

"What was it?"

"I can't tell you. Just…I need to find her, okay? I'm really worried."

"Okay, okay. What happened after you yelled at her?"

"She left, just like I told you. I called the front desk, and she checked out of her hotel room. And she's not with you, so I don't know where she is…"

"How long ago was this?"

"Well, I yelled at her about an hour and a half ago. I've been up here since, and then I called the front desk and got worried."

"Hang on. I'll bring Nate and we'll be there soon. We can all look for her together."

"Okay. See you soon."

"Okay."

"And Serena?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"Hey, don't worry. We'll find her. She's a smart girl. She'll be fine." Serena says gently.

I guess she can tell how worried I am. I'm terrified. Ever since Prague…well, what if something happens to her on the street? The alleys of New York City are not much better than the alleys of Prague.

I hang up, and I wait for them to come over.

When they show up just 20 minutes later, I find that I'm once again happy to see them.

I wish, not for the first time, that I had just a little more time. I wish that I can change things, somehow. That somehow, I can be friends with them all again.

But my time is coming, and it's coming fast.

Any day now.

It might even be tonight.

I just hope that I can find Blair first.

**Serena **

We meet Chuck in the lobby. Any anger I had towards him for yelling at Blair melts away as I see the lost look on his face. He's obviously really worried about Blair, and it's sweet. He doesn't need to worry. Blair can take care of herself, I know that. She's strong. She's probably just at a restaurant or some other hotel.

Blair's very classy. She would not be anywhere beneath her.

"Chuck," I greet him. "It's good to see you."

He just nods, glancing at Nate. Nate manages a weak smile.

I wonder what it's like for them, now. I've always been pretty friendly with Chuck, and I care about him. But we've had disagreements, and it's pretty much given that I'll take the side of Blair over him. Sometimes it even causes me to stop talking to him, although not all of the time. But with Nate…they _lived_ together. They were best friends. They were practically brothers. And Nate just…abandoned him after what happened. I can understand why Chuck might be especially mad at him. And I can understand why Nate might feel a little awkward around Chuck now. I feel awkward, too. Although I think of Chuck in the same way I always have, there is no way to tell if the person standing in front of me is a stranger or a friend. He can't be a complete stranger, though, or Blair would not have stayed for so long. And this is not the first time Chuck has pushed away someone he cares about. It is very like Chuck to kick Blair out because he felt uncomfortable around her or because they were too close. I wonder what Blair did to make him so mad…

We stand there for a moment awkwardly.

"Hey, look, man, I'm sorry." Nate finally speaks up. "We shouldn't have let this happen to you. We should've tried to contact you."

"It's not like you made this easy for us, though," I argue, stepping in.

I can understand why Chuck is mad, but at the same time it's not completely our fault.

"You left. And you didn't come back. You didn't exactly leave on good terms, either," I continue.

He shrugs. "I appreciate the two of you trying to kiss and make up with me, but this isn't really the main problem right now. Blair is missing. We need to find her."

"That's what we're here for, Chuck, but don't you think you might be overreacting a bit?" I ask.

"Yeah, what could you have possibly said that made her so upset?" Nate adds.

Chuck shakes his head quickly. "It's something that's between Blair and me."

"We need to know, Chuck. Otherwise we don't know how upset she is, and that could help us find out where she is. We know her habits from the past few years, and you don't. You might not know how to find her."

Chuck scowls. "She hasn't changed. She's still as stubborn and persistent as always."

I sigh, annoyed. "Okay, so why do you think that? Chuck, really, we need more details here."

"I told you, Blair was in my room when I wasn't, which I specifically told her not to do-"

"So you were hiding something?" Nate asks.

"There were some things in my room that I didn't want her to see," Chuck says evasively.

"Like what?" I ask, now very curious.

"It's not important."

"Yes, it is!" I insist.

I'm starting to get a little apprehensive. What is in Chuck's room? I'm almost expecting to find out that he's hiding a dead body or something. Why was it so important that Blair didn't see whatever it was? She knows what kind of person she is. I don't expect Chuck to have been hiding something small from her.

"Why was she so upset?" Nate asks.

Chuck looks like he's debating something.

"Blair is worried about me," he says finally.

"Worried? Why would she be worried?" I ask.

"She thinks that something's going to happen to me. She thinks I'm going to…well, she thinks I'm going to die. Soon."

"It's not true, of course," he adds hastily, seeing my expression.

"So remind me again why she thinks this?" Nate asks.

"It doesn't matter," Chuck says. "What matters is that she does, and she was in hysterics."

So that's why Blair is upset. I can definitely see her freaking out over this. She cares really deeply about Chuck, and even though she stayed away for a long time, that hasn't changed. And my guess is that it's even worse now that they're friends again, or maybe more than just friends...I can't even imagine how upset Blair must be. We need to find her right away.

But I'm still a little confused. Not all of this makes sense…I don't understand how this happened.

"So why didn't you tell her it wasn't true?" I demand. This whole thing just doesn't sound right.

"I was in such a bad mood, and I was mad that she was sneaking around, so I just told her to get out. I didn't even realize why she was so upset until after she left."

"Okay," I say, taking a deep breath, accepting the fact that I'm not going to get all of the facts right now. "Okay. So Blair thinks that you're going to die?"

Chuck nods.

"And then you yelled at her and she left?"

He nods again.

"And now she's not here or at her house."

This one isn't a question.

"Okay, so maybe it is time to get worried."

"We'll find her," Nate says, trying to sound confident but failing. "We will."

I nod. "Let's split up. We're more likely to find her that way."

"Where should we be looking?" Chuck asks.

"Bars, hotels, anyplace nearby. I don't think she's gone far, if she's really upset."

"There's always the possibility that she's gone home since you left," Nate says to me.

"I already told Dorota to text me if she does."

"Look, even if you think it's below Blair, look there," I say. "I would not have said this before, but now that I know why she's upset…we should look everywhere."

The two boys nod, and I see the determination on their faces. Our bond is one that goes way back, and old grudges and recent struggles cannot stand in the way of that. Maybe it did at one point, but we won't let that happen again.

No matter what has happened, we all care deeply about Blair. We're going to find her.

**AN: So this chapter, as you've probably noticed, is not from Blair's POV. The next chapter most likely will be, and the rest of the story too. **

**I hope you liked the chapter!**

**Please review! **

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**Story Alert: TayaPearl, LindsEmmo, and SKaylor95 **

**Sorry for not giving you guys much time to read this chapter, but I thought you'd like the quick update! **

**Pleasee review! **


	7. If This Were a Movie

**Discaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl...not the show or the books. **

**Chapter 7-If This Were a Movie **

I'm not quite sure where I am anymore, or what's going on.

Sometimes it feels like a dream. Nothing seems real to me, not my hand in front of me or the empty glass on the table. It's replaced with another, and I still can't tell if this is reality or dreamland.

I'm vaguely aware of an angry voice. Someone shouting. And then a lower, calmer voice, to me. I can't hear them, and I don't answer. Suddenly someone's put their arm around me, and as I reach for the drink it starts to move farther and farther away.

It's a while before I realize it's me moving away from the table, not the other way around. And that someone's carrying me out of the bar.

I don't protest, because there's something about this person that seems so familiar. And it doesn't even register how dangerous this is, a stranger carrying me out of a bar, for another moment. But this doesn't feel like a stranger.

I want to ask who this person is, but it doesn't come out that way.

"Did you get my bag?" I ask tiredly.

"Nate has it," he says. "Blair, you had us worried sick. You can't just disappear like that."

I want to argue, say that I'm an adult and can take care of myself, but that seems a little contradicting when I'm not even able to walk.

"Serena will be here soon. I called her and Nate as soon as I saw you. We've all been looking for you."

"Chuck," I say. "You're…you're…"

But what I was going to say just dies in my throat. I can't remember. All I know is that something terrible is going to happen, and I need to stop it. I need to talk to Chuck. But I can't remember why. I can't remember what this terrible thing is. It's there in my mind, I can feel it, but it's like there's a blanket over it, hiding it from me. I can almost remember it, and then it's gone.

"I'm fine, Blair. You're the only one we need to worry about right now," he says, as if sensing my worry.

"Tell her," Nate urges.

"I don't want to stress her out by mentioning it," Chuck says in a low voice to Nate. They clearly don't want me to hear.

"I think she'll be a little more stressed if she doesn't know," Nate says.

"Fine," he says. Then, louder, to me, he says "I'm going to be fine, Blair. I don't know what you thought you found, but I'm alive and well and I will be for a long time. I'm not going anywhere."

"No," I say, because at this, I'm starting to remember it, or at least parts of it. As much as I want to believe him, I know he's lying.

"No! I know it's true, you can't hide it! You are leaving. You're going to-you're going to…"

"He's not going to die, Blair," Nate says gently. "It's not real."

"No!" I insist, needing to say this, needing to tell Nate the only thing that I know right now is real. "He's fed you lies, Nate; he does it all the time. You don't know how he's gotten over the past few years! He won't talk, he doesn't say anything about his life, he lies! And then this, and then the letters…"

"What letters?" Nate asks, curious.

"She's not thinking straight, she doesn't know what she's saying; let's just let her get some rest first. This can wait," Chuck says. He's trying to be gentle, but I can hear the undertone of agitation and fear in his voice.

"No, I want to know what she has to say," Nate says, quieting him.

I want to tell Nate everything, but suddenly the letters feel too personal, something just between Chuck and me. But proof would help. I start to fumble in my purse and pull the last letter out.

"These letters! I can't show it to you, but you just need to know that he's sick! He's dying! Don't let him lie himself out of this! I care about him, we all do, but you know that this is something he would, and easily could hide. Don't listen to him!"

"Is this true?" Nate turns to Chuck.

"No, of course not! Do you know how drunk she is right now? She has no idea what she's talking about."

"And why is she so drunk? Why is she so upset? Why would she be so certain of this, huh? What happened that made her so certain than you're doomed, Chuck?"

His voice is rising in volume, and I can hear the slight undertone of fear in his angry voice too. He has only just started talking to Chuck again, but I think he's missed Chuck for a long time. He's had Serena and me, and he's made new friends too, but Chuck was his best friend. You can't just replace him, especially when he just leaves and never comes back. Especially when he needs you. And Nate cares about him, even if he hasn't shown it for a long time.

Nate can be oblivious sometimes, but right now, he wants answers. And he's going to get them, if I have anything to say about it.

"Oh, thank god you found her! I was so worried!" Serena cries, quickly entering the scene.

I look at her through blurry vision.

"She doesn't look so great, though. I don't think I've ever really seen her this drunk…Chuck, we should take her to your hotel room. She can sleep in Nate's old bed."

She has no idea what she's walked in on.

"Serena, you have to believe me," I say, trying to turn towards her. I'm vaguely aware that I'm still being held up by Chuck. "Serena, S…believe me. Please."

"About what? What is this all about?" I can hear the concern in Serena's voice.

"Blair is convinced Chuck is in danger." Nate explains.

"And I'm a little worried myself…" he adds quietly. But I'm closer to Nate than Serena is at the moment, and I can hear him better, even in my state. I don't think Serena even hears him at all.

"Blair, Chuck is fine! He told us himself!" Serena tries to convince me.

"He's lying! He hides his emotions, he always has!" I shout, not giving in. "He didn't want me to know! He didn't want us to know! He didn't want us hurt when he died! But it's soon, so soon, Serena, it could be any day, it was supposed to have happened already, even, he's bought time but still, S, it's so soon, too soon, and still, he's denying it, he's acting like it's not happening, like we're not going to lose him…"

"Chuck, what's going on?" Serena says slowly. "Is any of this true?"

"No, it's just-"

"Because if it is, we have the right to know!" Nate cuts in angrily.

And with that, he's done it. He's triggered an emotion in Chuck.

"A right? You have a right to know?" he asks incredulously, almost laughing at how ridiculous he thinks this is, but also very, very angry.

"What, because you've done so much for me? Because you've been there for me through all of this?" he continues sarcastically.

"Tell me what gives you any right to do this, Nathaniel. And you, Serena. Go on. Tell me." Chuck fires at Nate and Serena. "You all come into my life after abandoning me, after leaving me alone, and now all of a sudden I'm interesting because I'm a dead man walking? Because I can count the maximum number of days I have left on one hand? Because I'm dying?"

I can feel the shock in the air as this sinks in.

"No…" Serena says. "You can't be…"

"Yes, Serena, I can."

And then I pass out.

I wake up much later, in Nate's old room, on his bed. It seems to be morning, and when I look at the clock, I see that it's ten o'clock.

I feel groggy and tired, and I have a headache, but otherwise I'm fine

I get slowly out of the bed and walk to the door. I want to go out and talk to Chuck about everything, but I can hear voices coming from the other room, so I wait.

"I should've known I couldn't keep you away."

"Well, we were all worried about Blair last night, and we agreed it was best to let her rest and rest ourselves. But this is serious, Chuck. I can't believe-"

"You can't believe I didn't tell you, Serena? You can't believe I didn't call you up after three years just to say 'In case you wanted to know, I'm going to die soon'?"

There's a pause.

"I would've wanted to know, no matter what," Serena says quietly.

"Why? What would it have done?"

"I'd want to at least say goodbye. Say sorry."

There's silence, and Serena sniffs.

"You'd be happier not knowing," Chuck says, gentler than before. "We both would be. It would be useless to get close again, just to have it end soon. It would be cruel to take something away that you just got back. It was better….it is better if we just stay apart. I tried to tell Blair that, too, but she wouldn't listen. She didn't understand. I wanted to tell her, but…I couldn't."

"We're here now, though. We need to…make the most of our time. I'm so, so sorry it's taken this long for us to contact you…"

"It's done," Chuck says simply. "It's over. Just…the only thing you can do now, the last thing, is just to leave me alone. It's better for all of us."

"No," she says stubbornly. "We can't just leave."

"Yes, you can."

"Is there really nothing you can do, Chuck? I still don't get it…what happened?"

"I already told you, Serena, it's an infection. There's nothing I can do about it, some doctors delayed it but they can't completely stop it from reaching my heart eventually. And eventually has come pretty fast. I went last week…and they don't think I'll be in for my next appointment, which is a few days away. It's funny, I used to think I didn't have a heart, and now it's going to be the death of me."

A weak attempt at a joke. Neither of them laughs.

I choose this time to walk into the room.

Chuck says "You just need to leave. Nate too. And as for Blair, I think that-"

"Blair!" Serena says suddenly. "How are you feeling?"

I shrug. "Headache, and I'm sore, but otherwise I'm fine."

I just stand there, feeling a bit awkward, for a moment. Chuck's back is still to me. I go and stand right in front of him, but he just looks away. I sigh and sit down next to him.

"Chuck," I say cautiously. I take a deep breath. "I'm sorry for…sneaking around in here. But I saw those pill bottles, and the dates on them, and the names. I was worried. I knew you were hiding something about Prague. And I needed to get you to show your emotions, and break your mask. I needed you to let me in. I'm sorry I did something to upset you, but I'm not sorry that it happened. If it hadn't, I would have never known about…" I can't say it. "…and that's something that I needed to know. I can't believe you kept it from me."

He doesn't look up.

"But most of all," I say, taking another deep, shuddering breath, because I feel like I'm going to fall apart again."I can't believe you….you're really…"

I can't continue. My eyes well up with tears. Serena rushes to me and puts a comforting arm around me.

"Serena, I need to talk to Chuck alone right now," I say, after I've gotten myself under control.

She hesitates, clearly not wanting to leave, but agrees and leaves with the promise of returning soon. I feel bad taking the limited time she has left with Chuck away from her, but I need to talk to Chuck, and I need to do it alone.

"Please," I whisper when she's gone. "You can't leave me. There must be something…we have to do something…"

"There's nothing I can do. It's over."

"Don't say that. It's never over. You can keep fighting…we can try new treatments…we can bring you to the hospital now, we can do something, we can't just sit around here and do nothing…"

"There's nothing we can do, Blair. And it's no use wasting the last of my time trying to do the impossible. I've already lived my life out. I'm not living anymore. This is just making it more literal."

"But you're so young," I say. "You're not even close to having lived out your life."

"I already had everything worth having in life. And then I lost it. It's over. There's nothing I can do to live. I don't want to die, but I don't even know what to live for anymore."

The last part is said so quietly I almost don't hear it.

"What about me?" I demand, blinking away tears. "You have me. You can't leave, I won't let you."

"I'm sorry, Blair! But I can't stop this. I can't work miracles."

"But you can't just give up!"

"Why not? I can't do anything to fix this."

"Because of me! Don't you want to stay here for me? You don't want me to have to go through this, you said so yourself in those letters, along with a lot of other stuff! I know how you feel about me, and I know how I feel about you, so I don't understand why you're being so stubborn."

There's silence.

"Blair, we've talked about this. We can't be together right now, and you know why. The truth's out. It's too late."

"You can say it a thousand times and I still won't believe you," I insist. "It's never too late. There's something we can do. There has to be."

"Look, you're not exactly making it easier for me! You're telling me I can have my friends, you, my old life back. You're telling me I can be happy again. But it's too late for all of that. I don't need you dangling everything I've ever wanted in front of me when I'm practically on my deathbed."

"Are you sure you're really sick? I mean, you seem fine…"

"That's because we don't see each other very often, Blair. A lot of the time I have to work at home, or not work at all. And I spend so much time at the hospital…you have no idea."

I just look at him. I don't understand how this can be happening. We were never supposed to really be over. We were inevitable…but fate had other plans.

I feel like I'm living a different life. Maybe I'm just watching another movie of someone else's life, instead of my own. My life was always supposed to be like a movie, but it was never supposed to be a tragedy.

If this were a movie, it would be fake. Chuck wouldn't really be sick.

Or there'd be a miraculous cure. The doctors would discover it and give it to him just before he died, and he would live.

If this were a movie, it would have a happy ending. It wouldn't include the death of the person the main character loved most.

If this were a movie, Chuck would live.

But this isn't a movie, and I finally accept what I've been denying since I found out-

Chuck Bass doesn't have much time left. And there's nothing I can do to stop it.

And when I wrap my arms around him and bury my face in his shoulder because I can't stand the thought of being apart from him, he accepts something too-that I'll be there until the end.

I don't want to stay away that night. I don't even want to sleep at all, but Chuck tells me I have to. So I try to sleep in Nate's old room again, texting Serena so that she knows I'm okay.

It's been an hour and I just can't sleep. The thought that Chuck may be dead by the time I wake up keeps me from even getting close to drifting off.

Finally, accepting that I'm not going to fall asleep, I creep out of the room and into Chuck's. He's asleep.

I think for a moment that I shouldn't, but quickly brush it aside. I crawl into bed beside him, and it seems like the most natural thing in the world.

"Blair?" he asks quietly.

"Mm-hm?"

"Can't sleep?"

"No," I say. "But maybe I will now."

He's either too tired are too sick to argue, so we fall asleep there.

**AN: Aww…**

**Anyways, I know Blair thinks she loves him again, and you guys might think that's weird because it's been so long, but certain circumstances just bring out true feelings. And it's not so much her falling for this Chuck as remembering what it was like being with the old Chuck and still being in love with that one. Not that they aren't the same person, because they are…well, it will be explained better later on. And they both just need each other so much right now and it's so easy to fall into old patterns… you get the picture. **

**So I have never been drunk, and I really can't describe it. I know Blair may have seemed a little too sane for being supposedly very drunk but writing from her point of view I didn't want to make even her thoughts hard to understand because that just wouldn't be any fun for the readers. **

**Oh, and have I done the move thing before? I feel like I have for some reason, but I looked and couldn't find it. You guys shouldn't search for it or anything, but if you remember me using it in another story or this one let me know and I'll change it here. **

**If you're wondering whether or not I'm going to kill off Chuck very abruptly, maybe in the next chapter or so…well I don't really think that'd be fair to you. I won't tell you what's going to happen and when because I want to keep you guessing but I will tell you that I've written rather a lot lately, and where I am, there has been a tragic event. As for if it's Chuck's death or not, well, you'll have to keep reading! **

**Thanks for… **

**Reviewing: HnM skinnys, awakeningezgi (for chapter 5), awakeningezgi (for chapter 6), Tiff xoxo, Aleshaa, avrilk, ilovecujo1993, HughLaurieLover, and QueenBee10, **

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**Please review! I'm not sure when I'll update next but probably this weekend. There's a lot I have to edit, and I'll probably end up putting that off and writing more instead if I have time to spare. **


	8. Gossip Girl Knows All

**AN: Okay, I just want to say I'm really sorry about making this so sad…I'm not trying to torture you or make you sad, I promise! And I'm not dragging out Chuck's sickness to punish you or anything…I just think it'd be mean if I was like "Chuck's sick" and then in the next chapter "Chuck's dead." So…it will take a little bit. If that's even what's going to happen. **

**Chapter 8 **

When I wake up, I roll over to find Chuck gone.

All that's left behind is a note.

_I'm sorry. But I can't stay here. And neither can you. You know why I didn't tell you about this, and so you must understand why I can't let this continue between us. _

_-C _

I stare, horrified, at the note in my hand. He's gone? No. He cannot have done this to me. He wrote that I would understand, and I guess a part of me does. I know that he wants to protect me from the truth. But it's too late. I already know. And I want to, no, I _need_ to be there for the remainder of his life. Because I can't imagine being anywhere else.

I need to find him. Why doesn't he understand that I need him? I already can't imagine losing him…and now I've lost him even sooner?

I'm starting to breathe very fast and I need to sit down. The last thing I need right now is a panic attack.

I need to calm down. I need to get everything organized. I start to list everything I know for sure in my head.

Okay, so first: Chuck is sick and could drop dead at any second. Well, no, that's not exactly correct. I don't believe he'd just drop dead. He would probably feel something first. Maybe he'd pass out, and then it would happen slowly? Would someone know to call the hospital, wherever he is? But there wouldn't be anything they could do. It makes me feel a little sick thinking about the different ways he could die, so I make myself stop.

Second: Chuck is gone. I have no idea where he is. I'm the last one to have seen him. Wait, no, that's not right either. The man at the front desk probably saw him, right? I can ask him! Or maybe he's talked to his doctor…but how can I talk to him? I don't know his number…maybe I can find it in Chuck's room?

There's not much else I know. I'll have to start with asking the man at the front desk, but I'm guessing that Chuck had left in a hurry. He probably didn't talk to anyone on his way out. He may not have even been noticed by anyone at the hotel.

He's run away before, many times. One time that sticks out in my memory right now is when he left after his father died. He showed up at my mother's wedding, and then we fell asleep together, just like last night. And he left a note then, too. The times are very, very similar. But back then, I just wanted Chuck back so that he could cope with his feelings, because I missed him, and because I was worried about him. But now, if I don't get Chuck back soon, it might mean that I'll never see him again.

And I can't handle that.

I can't do this alone. But I don't call a PI to help, or the front desk.

I call Serena.

"He's gone," I say when she picks up.

"What?"

"He. Is. _Gone._" I say again.

"Wait, Chuck? Where?"

"I don't know! I just woke up and he was gone!"

"Okay, okay, calm down. I'll be right there."

She comes over right away, and I meet her in the lobby after asking the man at the front desk if he's seen Chuck. He hasn't, as I expected.

I run to her when I see her, looking at her with pleading eyes.

"Please tell me you've heard from him," I say.

She shakes her head sadly. "He's not answering his cell phone, which I'm guessing you already knew."

I nod. "Serena, we have to find him! You heard him, he's barely got days left, and I can't do it, I can't let him leave without at least saying goodbye…"

"I know, B," she says, trying to console me. "We'll find him, I promise."

But she can't really promise anything. She doesn't know how to find Chuck. She doesn't know that even if we do find him, it won't be too late.

"Do you have any leads?" she asks me. "When you were sneaking around his hotel room, did you find anything besides that he was dying? If not, we can go back up there and look now."

I suddenly remember the pad of paper in my purse. I pull it out, revealing the names of all of the medicines Chuck is taking and the name of the hospital he went to recently from that hospital bill.

"Well, there's this," I say unhappily, showing the name to Serena. "But the hospital name is not going to help us. The doctors are not going to be able to give out any information on Chuck. There's not even going to be a way to bribe them, because I wouldn't be surprised if Chuck is paying them a lot of money to be even more confidential than usual."

"You're probably right," Serena agrees.

We go over to a couch in the lobby and sit down.

"Too bad Gossip Girl stopped posting things," I sigh.

"Why? She finally left us alone."

"Because she would probably have spotted Chuck by now. Or someone else would have sent a tip to her about where he's gone."

"Maybe…" Serena says. Then her eyes widen. "Wait a minute…you might be onto something, B."

"What do you mean? Gossip Girl is long gone."

"Not quite…" she says, her eyes lit up. "We're still being watched by the people who used to follow Gossip Girl. They want to know what we're doing. And I always get the feeling that Gossip Girl is still out there, well-informed about us…just refusing to post anything."

"Why would she do that?"

"Don't you remember her last post? When she boasted she knew a secret bigger that New York itself, but wouldn't tell us? Her credibility was wearing off then, and her gossip was getting kind of lame. It seemed like she might make her comeback with this big secret. But then she just posted and wrote that the secret was too big even for her and that it was up to the person to share it with the rest of their world if they chose to. And that she wouldn't post anything until, or unless they did."

"Yes, but she only said that because she was trying to make a comeback, saying that she had a huge piece of gossip, but she didn't really so she pretended she couldn't say it. Then she realized no one listened to her anymore and she stopped."

"But what if she wasn't lying?" Serena says. "I remember that before she posted that, she posted a single picture of Chuck coming out of a hospital. I didn't show it to you….I actually deleted it on your phone. I didn't want to worry you. I didn't think it was a big deal. She said that it was a false alarm for an overdose, or something like that, which, now that I think about it, was probably a tip Chuck texted her so that she wouldn't find out the truth. It was one of the only posts about Chuck since he got back from Prague."

"You deleted it from my phone?" I ask, a little angrily. "Serena, maybe if I had seen it I would've visited Chuck earlier, and I could have spent more time with him than I actually got to spend with him!"

"Blair, I was just trying to protect you, just like Chuck. Except it was a little different with me. I didn't think Chuck was in any real danger. I didn't want you to be upset, like you were every time Gossip Girl posted something about Chuck after he came back from Prague, even if there weren't many posts. And you wouldn't have gone to see him, because you wouldn't have believed that he was in any danger either."

I'm still a little mad, but she's right. I drop it.

"I'm just saying that the secret Gossip Girl knew might have been Chuck's secret," Serena explains.

"So…you're saying that there's still a chance Gossip Girl might know where Chuck is?" I ask.

"Yes! Gossip Girl is still keeping an eye on us, she knows Chuck's secret, and she's known it for much longer than us. Add that to the fact that her website is still up, and her email still works…I think it's a very strong possibility that she knows where Chuck is."

"But how would she be keeping tabs on him?"

"A lot of the people following Gossip Girl had never met us. But they got to know us through our scandals, as wrong as that is, and they felt like they knew us. When that was taken away from them, I don't think they just stopped thinking about us and our gossip. I'm guessing that they still send tips to Gossip Girl when they see us, hoping that she'll come back because her website's still up. Or maybe they're hoping they'll uncover the secret she knew themselves."

"That's a good theory, Serena. But I stand by what I said before. Gossip Girl isn't posting anymore. There's no way she can tell us where Chuck is, even if she knows."

"We can email her!"

"Please, S, she's not going to answer."

"You never know until you try!"

I shrug.

"Do you have anything better, Blair? Because Chuck is missing and if we ever want to see him again, this may be the only way! You really want to turn this down? Do you really want to just give up?"

"Of course not!" I say. "Okay, fine. Email her."

Serena looks a little smug as she emails Gossip Girl from her phone. I wonder how she can be so happy when all of this is happening with Chuck right now, but I don't think she can help it. She's usually cheerful. And she might be trying to make me feel better.

"Now what?" I ask.

"We wait," she says, but we don't have to wait long. Her phone beeps within minutes.

"Wow," I say. "Looks like Gossip Girl still doesn't have a life."

"And it looks like I was right!" Serena exclaims, opening the message. "Here it is, I told you she'd know!"

"Well, what did she say?" I ask, craning my neck to try to see the message.

"Room 12, the Mellar Motel, New York City."

"Ew, a motel?" I ask. "Why would Chuck be there? And why would he stay in the city? I expected him to get as far away as possible."

"My guess is because a gross motel in the city is the last place we'd check," Serena points out. "And one of the things Chuck and I talked about before you woke up was how he's hidden this from the press, and why. He needs to stay close enough to the hospital he's been going to if he wants everything to stay private. If he needs to go to a hospital, and he goes to a random hospital in a different state, someone is likely to see him there. He doesn't want this getting out. People would look at and treat him differently, and the company could be taken away from him, which is really the only thing he had left before you came."

"He told you all of that?"

"What he didn't say I could figure out myself."

"Wow, S, you're smarter than I give you credit for!"

I can't believe that she's figured all of this out. I couldn't have done it. But Serena's not dumb. I'm just surprised at how much thought she's put into this. But I guess things are just different when one of her friends is in danger.

She laughs. "And you're just noticing this?"

I smile, and then quickly stop.

"We should get going," I say. "Can you look up where this hotel is?"

"Got it," she says after a moment. "Let's go."

We head off to the motel, hoping that we'll be able to find Chuck soon.

**AN: A short chapter, I know! Also kinda a filler chapter…don't you just hate those? I don't really like this chapter. But at least now they know where Chuck is…also, I modeled the texting Gossip Girl idea off of 4x11, so I don't own the idea or anything, I just thought it might fit here. Did it not make sense? Or did it fit? Let me know! Oh and sorry if this was too similar to Blair going missing a few chapters ago…well…I'll try to update soon! Please review! **

**Thanks for… **

**Reviewing: QueenBee10, awakeningezgi, HughLaurieLover (twice), Ami, ilovecujo1993, HnM skinnys, and Missyxo45 **

**Story Alert: Molize, NathanJames23, tHe dAily ScRibbLeR, Toshiko00288, and jamieskib **

**Favorite Story: EmmaGrey and Toshiko00288 **

**I don't know if it was just me or if there were less reviews this chapter…so please review! **


	9. Right from the Bass Playbook

**Chapter 9-Right from the Bass Playbook **

I'm a little disgusted at the state of the motel we're in, so I have Serena do all of the talking.

"Excuse me, could we check into Room 12?" Serena asks sweetly.

"There's already someone there," the man at the desk says, chewing gum loudly. "You want one of the other rooms? 13 is open."

"Taken? By who?" Serena asks, politely curious.

Taken over by the Serena charm, he tells her right away. "Mr. Humphrey."

I start to laugh. "Humphrey? That's creative," I say sarcastically to Serena. The fact that he's really here and probably okay has calmed me down some.

I'm not surprised that Chuck has come up with a fake name, but I had expected him to choose something with more class. Then again, he is staying in a cheap motel.

Serena turns around and gives me a warning look for laughing, then turns back to the man with a smile.

"Dan!" she says. "He was supposed to stay in 13; we were supposed to take 12! I guess he mixed them up…you see, we're superstitious."

I almost laugh at this too, and at how completely seriously she says this, but I control myself.

"We can't stay in 13. And 12 is our lucky number! Maybe you could just open up 12 for us and we'll talk to Dan and explain his mistake?" she asks hopefully, smiling and even flipping her hair a little.

It's entertaining to watch the man practically drool, but I've gotten a little tired of it after so many years.

"Yeah, sure," he says. "I'll get the extra key, let's go."

"Oh, do you think we could go alone? Dan doesn't really like strangers too much…"

He's already nodding, handing her the key, barely listening. "Yeah, do whatever."

"Thanks!" she says, turning around and gesturing me to follow her as she walks out the door.

"Lay it on thick, why don't you?" I say, amused.

"At least I got us in! You owe me. That was painful!"

"Yeah, you looked like you were in terrible pain," I joke. "But nice job."

As we try to find Room 12, I start to get nervous again. I feel guilty for laughing before. What if, while Serena was flirting and I was laughing, Chuck was dying alone, of the floor of his motel room? The thought terrifies me, and I walking so fast it's hard for Serena to keep up, even with her long legs.

"Found it!" I say, pointing. "Come on!"

We walk to the door and Serena uses the key to open it. I push inside.

There's no one there.

"Hello?" I ask into the semi-darkness. Serena switches on a light and I close the door.

"Chuck?" Serena calls. "Are you here?"

There's a groan in response, coming from the bed.

Chuck is so completely submerged under the covers that we didn't see him at first.

"Chuck!" Serena exclaims, running over and throwing the blankets off of him.

"Really, Serena? Can't a man sleep around here?"

He glares at her then yanks the covers back up.

I run to them.

"Oh, my god, you're okay! You have no idea how worried we've been! You can't just run away like that! You were mad when I ran off, even after you yelled at me, how could you do the same to me?" I lecture him, masking my delight at seeing him.

"Blair?" he asks. "I should have known you'd be here with the blonde."

"Of course I'm here," I say in relief, which is quickly replaced with dread again. He might still be here for now, but he won't be for much longer.

I sit down on the bed with him. Serena smiles at us. "I don't know about you, Chuck, but I'm starving, and I'm sure you are too. We've spent all day looking for you. Why don't I go run and get us some dinner, and then we'll talk about what's happened and our plan before moving back to the Empire, okay?"

She says it like it's very reasonable, and does not leave Chuck any time to respond.

"I'll be back in less than an hour."

She quickly leaves, grabbing her purse.

"You really shouldn't have run off…" I say quietly to Chuck.

He pulls the blankets off of his face. "Look, can you please just…not talk about this? Talk about something else for a while. Or even better, don't do any talking at all."

We can both hear the suggestiveness of the comment, but I remind myself that that's not really who Chuck is anymore.

"Sorry," he says. "I didn't mean it like that."

"I know," I say. "And I'm sorry that this is all we've been talking about. But wouldn't you do the same, if you knew I was in danger?"

"Yes, but you wouldn't like it either."

I sigh, accepting that.

"But I would have to put up with it," I say. "Because it wouldn't be fair of me to just not talk about it. To ignore it. We need to talk about it, so that I can understand, we need to say goodbye…"

I take a shaky breath at this.

"Okay," he says. "Bye. Now are we done?"

"You're not taking this seriously. I'm serious, Chuck. I don't understand how you can be so calm about all of this. You're almost…joking about it."

"I've had years to come to terms with this, first of all. Second of all, it helps me cope. And lastly, as I told you, I know I deserve this. And I know that there's no point of me staying here anyways."

"And as I told _you_, you don't deserve this, and there is most definitely a point in you staying here! I don't know how you can say that. You used to live for the hotel. You used to live for Nate. You used to live for Lily, and Serena and Eric. You used to live for me! And you have all of those things again."

He shakes his head. "I don't really have all of that. Especially not you."

"What do you mean, you don't have me? Of course you do. You know how I feel about you. You know I wish we could be together again…"

"No, I don't know, Blair. Do you really think we'd be sitting here right now having a personal conversation if you hadn't found out about this? I'm still not sure why you came back in the first place, but we didn't automatically fall into old patterns when you did. You would never have told me that I should live for you and stay here for you before you found out I was sick. You're just saying this because a long time ago, we used to be in love. I thought we were inevitable. I thought we'd always get back together if we broke up. And I think that you thought the same. You always figured we'd have time to get back together, and now there's no time so you're rushing to say everything you used to feel now. But I don't believe you really feel that way. You're just clinging to old feelings. You're in love with the idea of us getting back together, because we're Chuck and Blair. I said we were inevitable but…I meant that we were inevitable as the people we used to be. It's clear now that we're not those people anymore. Can you really look me in the eye and tell me you love me, this version of me, right now?"

I look down. He's right, maybe. I do want us to get back together, but it may be for all of the wrong reasons. Because I feel bad. Because I can't stand the thought of him dying alone. Because I can't stand the old Chuck not being with me when he dies. Because I used to love him. But do I really love him now? This version of him? Do I really know him enough to say that I do? I've been telling myself this is just Chuck with a mask on, but I'm once again wondering if it really is a different person, and I've just been kidding myself. What do I love about this Chuck?

"I didn't think so," he says quietly. "I'm different than I was. Now, I would never do the awful things I did to you back then. But I also can't be like the man you used to love. I'm sorry."

We sit there in silence.

"Maybe you should go," he says, still so quiet.

"But I can't leave you," I say.

"You're not really leaving me. You're just leaving a stranger, Blair. A stranger."

But I can't leave, because the mask theory could still be true, he could still be under there, somewhere…"

"No," I whisper. "I don't know that. Prove to me that you're not you, and I'll go."

"You used to say I was me, just wearing a mask, but you're wrong! There is no mask!" he says, harsh now. "There never was. Get over your fantasy, and leave me alone. Because I want peace and quiet. I want to be alone."

"No one wants to be alone…" I say, startled by this outburst. "Especially not in your condition…"

"Well I do," he says, and he looks at me.

I expect his face to be angry, or upset, but it's not. It just looks…dead. His eyes are just dark and dead. I used to be able to find his old self somewhere in him, but now…I can't see him anymore. I don't know this man. The old Chuck is already dead. If there was any life in him, it just died in front of me. He was there in those letters, but that was it. And that's dead now. It'd been killed off by this stranger, who has finally completely gotten rid of his feelings. He's not pretending anymore. This man is just a hollow shell, and it shouldn't matter to me if he dies, because the real him has been dead for a long time now.

I finally nod, and I get up to leave. I walk to the door, and it strikes me that I never got to say goodbye to the old Chuck. The closest way to do that is to try to say it through the new one.

I go back and kiss him on the cheek.

"Goodbye Chuck," I say, and I turn and leave before he has any chance to react.

I run into Serena not far from the room.

"Hey!" she says cheerful. "I just got the food. Let's go give it to Chuck!"

I guess she thinks I'm meeting her there, or that I was taking a walk. I shake my head and keep walking.

"No, let's go," I say.

"Why? We can't just leave Chuck; I've barely had the chance to talk to him since we found out!"

"I'm afraid it's too late for that, S. He's already dead."

"What?" Serena gasps.

"Well, he's really still alive-"

Serena breathes a sigh of relief.

"-but the real him already died a long time ago. It all started after he slept with Jenny Humphrey, and it's too late to change it now. He's dead, he's completely gone, it's too late. If you wanted to say goodbye you should have said it before he went to Prague."

"What do you mean? Blair, did something happen between you two?"

"No. I just realized what I've been denying for months."

"How? I mean, what happened?"

"We talked, and he told me to let go of my fantasy. He yelled a little at that part, but mostly he was painfully quiet. And when I looked at him…I couldn't see him anymore. So I left. There's nothing left I, or we, can do. That shell of a man can die alone if he really wants to, he told me himself that's what he wants."

"Blair, you're an idiot."

"Excuse me?" I say, taken aback.

"Do you really think he meant all of that? If you do, you don't know Chuck as well as I thought you did. I know you think he's changed, and I agree. But _he's still in there somewhere. _And you can get him back. You can _always_ get him back! You've thought that you lost him so many times before, Blair. And you even said that you couldn't see him anymore before."

"This time is different," I insist. "He's gone. This time he's finished what he's threatened to do so many times before. This time, it's too late."

Serena shakes her head. "No, B. It's never too late. It's never too late to save someone you love."

"I don't love him. I love the old him."

"Is that what Chuck told you? You need to learn now to believe everything you hear, B. I thought years of Gossip Girl taught you that. You want to know how I know that he's not gone? Because he's done this before. He's trying to push you away, Blair, don't you see? It's a pattern that's been repeated so many times. It comes right out of the Bass playbook. He doesn't want to deal with the pain, or he doesn't want you to have to deal with him, so he pushes you away! He lies! He hides his feelings."

I don't say anything, so Serena continues. "You used to fight for him. And you're going to give up now? This is not the Blair I know and love. You fought for him, and he fought for you too. He didn't give up. And he wouldn't give up now. Do you really think he would? He would keep on fighting. He would do whatever it took to get you back."

She waits a moment for that to sink in.

"Please, B, fight for him. He did for you. You owe him this."

We open the door to the room and Serena gives me an encouraging push.

It took a while, but I finally accepted than Serena was right. Pushing me away is proof that he's still in there somewhere. And I can't just give up. I have to keep fighting for him until the end.

"Chuck?" I call cautiously.

There's no answer. Serena flips on the lights and sees that Chuck is under his blankets again, resting.

"I'm sorry that I left," I continue. "I shouldn't have. I want you to know that you can try to push me away, but it's not going to work. I'm always going to come back. I'm here for you, whatever version of yourself you are. And I've realized that you are still in there somewhere, maybe changed, but it's still you in that bed right now. And I'm not going to leave you."

I walk over to his bed and Serena follows.

"Say something," I say. "Please."

There's a pause. I'm starting to think he's asleep when he finally speaks.

"You…you came back?"

There's something off about his voice.

"Chuck?" I ask cautiously. "Are you okay?"

I pull down the covers to reveal his face.

"'mfine," he says, but through gritted teeth.

"Something's wrong," I say to Serena. "Oh, no, is this really happening now?"

"Don't…break out the goodbyes. I'm…I'm going be fine….for now, I don't…we-" he stops.

"-should just avoid them," he says quickly, and then fights to get the covers back over his face.

I pull them back down and my hand brushes against his face.

"You're burning up," I say. "And you're sweating. Serena, call 911, we need to get him help now!" My voice is rising in urgency.

"I'm already on it," Serena says, dialing the numbers.

"Shh, it's going to be okay," I tell Chuck, stroking his face. "It's going to be fine."

He stays silent. We both know it's not. His eyes are closed and he's breathing heavily.

"Don't bother," he says. "Hospital…can't help…too late…"

"We have to try!" I say.

He shakes his head. "Don't make me go back there…"

I give him a pitying look. I wish I could let him stay here, but I can't. I have to try to do the impossible. I have to try to keep him alive.

He opens his eyes and looks at me. "But…you need to. Don't want you to…have to deal with…the body…"

"That's not why," I whisper, the thought never having occurred to me. "I'm not going to give up on you. We'll figure something out. Are you sure there was nothing? Not even something that barely has a chance of working? Or a new medicine that's just being tested? Come on, there has to be something."

"What's the point?" he asks after a moment. "Why?"

"Because I can't let you leave me!" I'm crying now, but I don't miss that he didn't answer the question. "Please, Chuck, I came back because I care a lot about you, and because I knew you would do the same for me. I know you care about me too. So if you can't do this for yourself, do it for me. I need you to live."

"Don't do…anything stupid after," he tells me, still ignoring the question. "Serena…keep her grounded…."

I glance over at Serena, who is still holding the phone to her ear with silent tears running down her face. She nods.

"Chuck…no…tell me….is there something? Tell me there's something I can do…"

He just shakes his head. "There's nothing that I would ever consider," and he slumps against the pillows, unconscious.

I lift my head as memories flash through my head.

"Is that a clue?" I ask Chuck's motionless face. "Chuck! Is that a clue?"

I try to shake him a little, but Serena grabs my arms.

"Blair, don't! You could hurt him!"

I look slowly up at her.

"How did your talk with Jack go? Did he offer you anything in exchange for the hotel?" I stare at Serena for a moment.

"W-what?" she stumbles over her words, looking at me fearfully.

I shake my head at her and smile.

"Nothing I would ever consider. _Nothing I would ever consider!_"

Serena looks at me as if I've gone crazy.

"The hotel. He told me Jack gave him an offer he wouldn't consider, but he wouldn't tell me what it was. Just like now! His nurse gave him an option to let him stay alive, Serena. It wasn't a great one, but it was there. I don't know if he's planned for me to do this all along, like with Jack, but it doesn't matter. All that matters is that there's a way to save him!"

"But he said he didn't consider it…I don't think he wants this, Blair."

"Maybe…but either way, now I know there's an option."

"But Blair, last time this happened, you both ended up losing."

"No," I said, shaking my head. "I mean, we did. We lost each other. But…Chuck got the hotel. That's what he had wanted all along. And then we got back together! So this time…Chuck will win. He'll get to live. And even if somehow it pulls us apart, it won't last long."

"I don't know, B…"

"One last chance to save your man…" I say. "This is it. My last chance to save Chuck. And I'm going to follow through with it this time…"

Serena is still looking at me like I'm crazy, and maybe I am.

But I've found something to hold onto, finally.

I've found a tiny glimmer of hope.

The ambulance is quick, and before I know it, I'm in the waiting room waiting to talk to the nurse. I mostly stare at the wall, thinking. What was Chuck telling me? How can I save him? Serena looks worried about me, and she tries to get me to drink some coffee a few times, then gives up. For some reason I'm not as upset as Serena seems to think I am, mostly because Chuck isn't dead yet. And I know I'm going to find a way to save him. It's the only think I'm certain of. That I won't let Chuck die. I also still feel in shock, almost as if I can't process what's going on around me. All that matters is staring at that wall and waiting for the nurse to come so that I can do what I came here for and have Chuck back. I wait and wait, hoping the nurse will have some much needed answers for me.

But someone gets there before me.

"Hi, I'm Lily Humphrey. I received a call that my son, Charles Bass, is here? Do you know if there's anyone I should talk to?"

My head snaps up and I see Lily talking to the woman behind the counter.

"Mom!" Serena exclaims, jumping up to greet her.

"Serena!" she responds. "What are you doing here? Did you get a call too?"

"No. We were with Chuck when it happened."

"Then you must know what's going on. What happened? Why is Charles here?"

Serena glances at me. I've gone back to staring at the wall.

"It's kind of a long story."

"Well, I-" Lily starts, but is interrupted by a nurse calling her name. "There's the nurse. I'd better go discuss the situation with her."

We follow her, and she doesn't object. I guess she figures that we have as much a right to know what's going on as she does, if not more, and we know more about it anyways.

"Mrs. Humphrey, as I'm sure Mr. Bass has told you, he has a stomach infection from a gunshot wound he received three years ago-"

"No, he most certainly hasn't told me!" Lily exclaims.

"He hasn't?" The nurse looks confused.

"It's been three years since we've talked…well, until last month, when my daughter and I went to find him at a party. But we haven't been close since then either."

"I wonder why he made you his only emergency contact then…he also left you this." The nurse hands her a letter.

I almost groan at the sight of yet another letter. I just hope it's not as bad as the other letters. I don't think I can take any more surprises.

"His infection has spread to his heart, which Mr. Bass has been prepared for for a long time. I'm guessing that the letter will tell you something about where his will is. Right now his heart is in critical danger. The infection is causing it to stop beating, but we've hooked him up to a machine to keep it beating. The problem is, we haven't been able to wake Mr. Bass up, and we don't expect to. Theoretically, we could keep him alive to a very old age, but that will be costly and virtually pointless, since he will never wake up. Mr. Bass has asked us to take him off life support at this point. But considering your family's power and relation to Mr. Bass, you have the power to ask us not to. It's up to you."

Lily looks at us. "Well, if this is what he wanted…"

"No!" I say suddenly. "Chuck told me that there was something else. Something else that would save him. He didn't have a chance to tell me what it was, but he wanted me to do it."

The nurse looks at me doubtfully.

"I'm serious! Please. He wanted me to do it, he told me to! And anyways, if we have the power to keep him on life support, we should have the power to have this option too."

The nurse hesitates, then gives in. "Mr. Bass has already told me not to do this. But if you were with him most recently…and you are a very powerful family…I will tell you, as a special favor to you. You should know that I wouldn't do this for just anyone."

"So?" I ask. "What is it?"

"There is a very new, very risky series of operations. Most people die from it. It's only used as a last resort. I wouldn't really recommend it to anyone, because it gives some families hope then takes it away, but I have to ask. Mr. Bass blatantly refused."

"Why?"

"It's very expensive."

"That's ridiculous. Chuck is a billionaire."

"Mr. Bass recently closed his accounts. He only has a little in a spending account. He didn't expect to pay any bills past this week. He thought he'd be dead. And he's not dead yet, so any money that any of you might receive from him will not be available to you. The whole thing will take a lot of time and be very costly. Mr. Bass would have had to ask someone to handle the expenses, even if he had given the money to them. That person would need to come in for updates pretty frequently, too. They'd be tied to him for a long time. And there'd be no telling if the money he'd given them would be enough. He didn't want anyone to have to pay for him, especially when it was so likely it wouldn't work."

There's silence.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" I say shakily. "If he's going to die if we don't, we have to do this."

Lily and Serena look at me pityingly.

"I know you want to save Chuck, Blair, but this is just so risky…and he didn't want you to do it," Serena says.

"What do I have to lose? You said yourself that Chuck would keep fighting for me. He would spend all the money and time in the world on me so that I could live! And I'm going to do the same for him," I say, determined.

Lily looks at the nurse and nods. "I want what's best for Charles, but if this will keep him alive…we should at least try it. And Blair, you're not alone. I'll help with the expenses and coming in for updates. You have my support."

Serena sighs. "Okay, me too," she says. "If you're going to do this no matter what, then I'm going to help you. I want Chuck to stay alive too."

"Okay," the nurse said. "We'll get started as soon as possible. All of you should go home. We could lose him in the beginning, or we could lose him two weeks from now. Or he could live. No matter what, there's no point in staying."

"You mean we can't see him?" I ask.

"I'm afraid not. Mrs. Humphrey, I'll call with updates." She nods at us and leaves.

Lily opens the letter and is silent for a moment as she reads it.

"Charles has asked me to take over the company. If I don't want to I'm supposed to choose someone else," she says.

Lily has been helping out with the company for years, but somehow her and Chuck never seemed to need to cross paths anymore. But I guess Chuck still trusts her over anyone else to take control of his company.

"It's supposed to be in the event of his death, but I will talk to the board about Charles' condition. Maybe I can take control until he gets back. I don't own the company without his will, so it won't be my decision. But I think that they will agree."

"What about the press?" Serena asks. "Chuck didn't want anyone knowing about this before he was gone, but I don't think we can keep this from the world."

"I'll try my best," Lily says. "We'll tell them that he's away for his health, and hope that the truth doesn't get out."

I sigh and collapse into the nearest chair. Serena sits down next to me and I look up at her.

"How am I going to do this?" I ask quietly. "I know this is what's right. I'm not going to give up on him. But I just don't know how I'll make it through…everything's going to change now."

Serena nods and takes my hand. "I know, B. It is. It's not going to be easy. But I'll be there for you every step of the way."

She gives my hand a squeeze and then gets up.

"Come on. It's time to go home."

I let Serena lead me out, Lily behind us.

I'm looking forward to resting, but I know that I won't get much of it for the next few weeks.

Chuck is my life now. And I'm going to spend all of my time and energy to make sure he makes it back to me.

To save a life, I would do a lot. But for someone I love…I'm going to do it no matter what. There's no question. I'm going to save him.

**AN: Okay, this was originally 3 chapters I think? I decided to post it all as one. The next chapter is long too! So that means extra reviews, right? **

**Oh and I'm sorry if I made it seem like Blair is too dependent on Chuck here…cuz I hate that, I don't like in books when the girl like can't live without the boy (*cough* *cough* New Moon *cough* *cough*-don't mean to offend anyone I actually kinda enjoyed the books but I didn't like Bella) but when it goes both ways its sometimes okay…like in Romeo and Juliet…idk I didn't mean to make it seem bad I just tried to make it seem like she wasn't going to accept losing him, like that just wasn't an option. **

**Also I'm sorry that I made so much happen in this chapter…I know I said I would wait longer but it was longer before I put the chapters together…hope you don't mind! **

**Oh also, I know there is not a lot of CB for a CB story…I know they still aren't together…so I'm sorry I hope it's not making you lose interest! I hope you stick with me until the end! **

**I'm really big on happy endings but as for this story…we'll see. **

**Thanks for… **

**Reviewing: Samantha, QueenBee10, awakeningezgi, Hoey, ktsongbird, Aleshaa, and HughLaurieLover **

**Story Alert: ktsongbird**

**Favorite Story: Erica514 **

**Favorite Author: jdhorses **

**Okay…I feel like I keep getting less and less reviews so please review! It will give me motivation to post again sooner/write more! **


	10. Not Living the Way He Would Have Wanted

**Chapter 10 **

The first week passes by without any problems. I'm paying Chuck's bills and anxiously awaiting every phone call from Lily that tells me that he had made it through his next surgery. I don't go out much, but I don't see that as very important. Right now Chuck's life is my priority, not my life.

The second week goes well as well, but I can't help feeling like it's a trick, to lull me into a false sense of security then take him away from me. But I'm not going to let that happen. I'm going to make sure Chuck lives. I'm doing everything I can. I just hope it will work.

Maybe I'm spending a little too much time in bed now, watching movies, but I just can't bring myself to get up and do anything. Serena has noticed, and I know she's worried about me. She's still staying here after her break-up with Nate, since she lived here during the college, but I don't think it will last long. She'll find another guy soon enough. Anyways, her company is nice. Dorota is here too, but it isn't always the same with her. But now they're both worried about me, and by the third week I know that one of them is going to confront me about it soon.

"Blair," I hear Serena say gently. "How are you doing?"

I don't even glance up. My eyes are glued to my computer screen, where Breakfast at Tiffany's is playing, once again. I just nod, and then take a bite out of another macaroon.

Serena sighs and sits down next to me.

"Let's go out. I'm bored."

"No."

"Come on! It will be fun. We can go shopping, or out to lunch maybe…"

She pauses and looks at me. I'm silent.

"B, you've barely gotten out of bed over the past few weeks. You talk to my mom more than I do, and it's always about Chuck. You know he's fine. And you know he wouldn't want you to hole up in your penthouse and stop living!"

"I'm still living. I'm breathing, I'm moving."

"Watching movies all day is not living."

"And anyways, you don't know Chuck is fine. He's made it so far, but every time I talk to Lily, which is a perfectly normal amount given the circumstances, I might add, she reminds me that we could lose him at any point. I can't let my guard down, or I'll lose it. I need to consider every possibility. I just wish I could do more."

"You're doing more than enough! I know how much you're paying, and I know that it's a lot less than my mom. Have you told her how much the bills are? Or are you keeping that from her? Just because they won't let you see Chuck doesn't mean you aren't still there for him. He's not awake anyways! He has no idea what's going on. But you're there for him 100%, and you need to give yourself more credit for that. Maybe treat yourself every once and a while?"

I just shake my head. "I won't be able to breathe again until this is all over, and Chuck's okay."

Serena bites her lip. "I thought you said you had to stay open to every possibility…"

I nod. "I am."

Serena just shakes her head and drops it.

"Look, B, I know how hard you've worked to help Chuck in so many different ways. I admire you courage for going to see him in the first place. So…I did something brave too. I went to see Dan."

My eyes widen at this. "Humphrey? But I thought he married Vanessa."

"He did…but they're having some problems."

"Problems? And he told you this?"

"Yes…"

"How long ago did you go to see him?"

"A few days after Chuck had to go to the hospital."

"S! Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was afraid of what you might think. And clearly, I was right to be! What's so wrong with me visiting Dan?"

"Nothing is. But I know you, and you didn't just go to visit an old friend, or for closure. You went there to get him back, didn't you?"

Serena looks down. "I don't go there for any reason other to see him. I missed him."

"But when you saw each other, the old flame was still there."

Serena shrugs. "Don't act like it's a big deal, Vanessa and him have been having problems for a while! They're going to get a divorce soon anyways."

I shake my head. "When will you learn, S? It's never good to be the other woman. I want you to be happy, but this will ultimately end up breaking your heart. He's lying to you."

"You don't know that."

"I do. I've seen this happen too many times, especially to you. You get lured in by someone who doesn't really want a commitment. Nate is good to you, and he's serious about you! He's much better than Humphrey, anyways. At least Nate's got some class."

"If you really want me to be happy, Blair, then you'll let me do what I want. I want to be with Dan. It doesn't matter what is happening with Vanessa, you know they were never meant to be."

"Of course I want you to be happy, but you have to trust me when I say this is not going to do it! If I'm wrong, I'll take back every bad thing I ever said about Humphrey. But I don't think I'm wrong."

"Well, I guess we'll find out," Serena says in a tired voice.

She gets up to leave.

"Listen, I don't want to get you upset, but I'm serious. You know how risky Chuck's surgery is. You need to prepare to what will happen if he doesn't make it. You need to think of that as the most likely scenario. If this is what your life has become when he's in the hospital, I can only imagine what it will be like when…if he dies. I want you to be happy, too, and I know that Chuck does as well."

She turns and leaves the room.

Suddenly my phone rings next to me. I pick it up and see that it's Lily. A feeling of dread rises up in my stomach, like it does every time she calls. Afterwards, I can breathe again, but then I get nervous again for the next time, the next surgery.

"Hello?" I pick up and say cautiously.

"Blair, its Lily. I just got off the phone with the doctor."

"Yes?"

"Chuck survived the last surgery-"

I breathe a sigh of relief.

"-but things aren't looking great."

I tense up again. "What do you mean, 'things aren't looking great'? What happened?"

"Well, he just barely pulled through. They don't know if he'll even make it through the night, let alone his next surgery."

"But isn't his next surgery the last one?" I ask.

"Yes, it is. But they don't want to risk it just yet. They need to wait for him to recover."

"So it's not going to be over this week."

"Well, it could be, if he doesn't make it to the next surgery. I'm sorry, Blair, but that's just the way it is. The good news is that they're finally going to let us in to see him."

"What? Why?" I ask, already quickly picking out clothes to wear.

"They're letting us to say goodbye in case he doesn't make it. And he doesn't really need much medical attention at the moment, his body just needs to rest. He won't wake up, of course, but we're allowed to visit him."

"I'll be there soon," I say, hanging up.

I quickly change and grab some makeup and my purse and I'm out the door within minutes. I hail down a cab and step in, giving the man driving the hospital name and address.

I take my bag out and do the best I can with a mirror and some makeup, but there's not much I can do about my hair. I fix it in the mirror with my hands but it's definitely not at its best. It doesn't really matter-Lily and the nurses and doctors won't care, Chuck's not awake, and I don't have to worry that Gossip Girl might post an unflattering picture of me.

We're at the hospital soon enough and I rush inside. As I walk into the waiting room, I see Lily step out of the hall.

"Blair!" she says. "I've just been to see Chuck. You can go in. It's room 64A."

I nod. "Thank you, Lily. For everything."

She just nods back and I rush past her into the hall.

As I look for the room, I'm a little nervous to see Chuck. I'm not quite sure why, because he's not even awake, but I'm just afraid that seeing him will make everything worse. I don't know if he'll look sick or different at all. I'm worried that he will. And I'm worried that this is the last time I'll see him. I don't want it to be, and I tell myself that it won't, but I know that it really could be.

I finally find the room and cautiously open the door.

I see him in the bed and walk quickly over and sit down on the chair next to him.

I'm instantly disappointed when I see him. I don't know what I expected, because I knew he wouldn't be awake. But I know that talking to him now will not feel right. I can't say goodbye to him this way.

He's pale and still, and if I didn't hear the steady beeping of the heart monitor, I'd think he was dead. The thought scares me, because I know he practically is. Is this normal? Is he supposed to look like this?

This was never how it was supposed to be. No one should have to watch the life drain out of the love of their life. But that's what I'm doing. It might be slow, but that just makes it even more painful, because I can't even talk to him. I wish he would just wake up, just for a little bit. I can't stand him going without me saying goodbye.

I wonder if he'll be mad if he wakes up and finds out that I've been keeping him alive. It's a ridiculous thought, but it could be true. He never wanted me to do this. I don't even know if he really wanted to be saved anymore. He'd accepted his fate, and he'd stopped living long ago. But if he survived this, then I would help him live again. I'd stand by him through everything. I wouldn't let him push me away again. And I knew he wouldn't do something terrible like he had before. He'd more than learned his lesson.

I worry that if I do try to take him back, he won't let me. He doesn't think he deserves another chance. But he does.

I won't really be able to have a conversation with Chuck right now, but I have to talk to him. What if he can hear me, somehow? I need to try, even if it feels weird.

"Hi," I say, feeling a bit awkward talking to someone so unresponsive.

"It's Blair…I know it's hard right now. It's hard for both of us. But I need you to pull through, okay? If not for you, for me. I need you, and I think you need me too. I know that you love me, and I love you too. I know it may just be leftover from the past, but that's just because you never came back. I loved you, and you left. We didn't have the chance to resolve anything. Maybe if we had ended it as friends, I'd have eventually started loving you less Maybe. But never all the way. If two people were in love like we were, we'll always find our way back. If we had ended it as friends, we would've found our way back pretty soon. But we didn't. You didn't come back."

It hangs in the air for a moment as an accusation, and I don't want that.

"I'm sorry. I don't blame you. I know I yelled at you. I know you lost everything. But I had to come see you because we'll always find our way back. Because I love you, and no matter what I always will. We're meant to be together. We're inevitable, like you said. I know you don't think you deserve me, but I know that you do. We love each other, and that's enough. We can forgive and forget. The past mistakes mean nothing, but the past means everything. I will never love anyone like I loved you. So you have to pull through. I know you think that I don't even know the real you….so how could I love you? But you're still you. And I'm different too, but I'm still me. We're Chuck and Blair. Blair and Chuck. And we're meant to be together. We love each other. We always will. It will never change…even if you leave me."

I take a deep breath.

"I forgave you a long time ago for what happened with Jack. You know that. The Jenny thing was too much when our relationship was so new and fragile. But I know why you did it. And it was unfair of me to get so mad. I overreacted. I know we were broken up and you didn't think I'd care, or even find out. It just hurt so much because I did care. But I've forgiven you for that. It's in the past. And I want to look to the future. Only I've had trouble doing that lately…you wouldn't be happy to find out what I've been doing. Or rather what I haven't been doing…I haven't been doing anything. I know I should keep living my life like before but I just can't. Everyone's worried about me and I know I need to get out there and be happy again. I need to at least try. I know that's what you'd want me to do…"

I take a deep breath, making a quick decision. It's something I've been thinking about for a while. I feel like I need to get away from all this. But I've been scared that while I'm gone something will happen to Chuck. But now that we have to wait for him to recover before his next surgery, I have a good opportunity.

"…so I'm going to do it. It doesn't mean I'll forget about you. I'm leaving money with Lily. I'll talk to her about it. Then I'm going away. Or maybe I'll stay, but I'm going to try not to think about you. If all goes well, your surgery will be next week. Then if that goes well, you'll recover for another week or two before being well enough to leave at all. If I know you, you'll request to be sent home. You can have nurse care there. So in about three weeks you'll be home…if you're okay. A big if, I know. And I can't handle living by the phone, not knowing if the phone calls will hold good or bad news."

I look at him for a moment.

"You know, it was actually really romantic when you 'Affair to Remember'-ed me. It was a good idea, even if it didn't quite work. And I'm sorry, again, that I didn't show up. If I had, things would have been so much different…but it was just unlucky. It was bad timing. If I had shown up, we'd be together and you wouldn't have left and gotten shot and then gotten sick. But I know there are about a million 'what if?'s in this situation. What if they hadn't shot you? What if Jenny hadn't showed up in the hotel? What if you hadn't sold me to Jack in the first place? The blame can't be put on any one person. It just happened. So you need to stop blaming yourself, saying that you deserve this, because you don't. Chuck….I'm going away so that I can learn to live again. But don't think that I'm going to completely forget you and move. I'm going to tell Lily this, but just in case you can hear I'll tell you too. Exactly three weeks from now, I'll be waiting on the top of the Empire State Building. If you're not there by 7:01 I'm accepting you as dead. And I'm going to try my best to move on for good."

With that, I stand up to go. I put my hand on his face one last time, wishing I could stay here forever with him. But I know I can't. I can't live like that.

I quickly turn and walk out of the room, hoping that in three weeks, I'll see him alive and well.

I call Lily as soon as I get into the waiting room. She sounds a little surprised, and she doesn't really support my idea.

"Blair, I know it sounds romantic, but what if he doesn't show up? I don't think that's a good way to find out if he's alive or not."

"Lily, this is what I want, and if you want what's best for me you'll tell him when-"

I take a deep breath.

"-if he wakes up."

Lily finally agrees and I try to hold back the tears as I leave the hospital, but it doesn't last long and I break down as soon as I get in a cab.

I don't even bother to pull myself together before I go inside. Serena will probably be there and I'll need to tell her I'm going away. I need her support.

She's not there when I get back. Dorota immediately sees I'm upset and rushes over to comfort me.

"Miss Blair, what is the matter? Is it Mister Chuck? Are there problems?"

I just nod, and that's information enough for now.

"I'm going away for a few weeks, Dorota. I need to get away."

Dorota nods and I start walking up the stairs.

"Help me pack?" I ask, and she follows me up the stairs to my room.

It feels good to have a plan. It feels good to know I'm escaping. But I worry that I've made the wrong decision…

At this point I have to do it. I know that I can't handle this anymore.

This vacation may offer me temporary relief. But when I come back, it might catch up on me. Things could be a lot worse by the time I come back.

And I have to be ready.

Serena stands in the doorway and looks around, taking in the scene of the room.

"So you're really leaving, then?" She asks me sadly.

"Yes," I say. "How did you know?"

"My mom told me."

"I would've told you earlier, S, but I only decided this recently. And you weren't home when I got home. Did you hear about Chuck?"

Serena nods. "B, I'm all for you trying to live your life, but are you sure this is what you want? Things have changed now that Chuck is getting worse. I don't want you to be depending on one thing to happen, only to have it not. It might just hurt more if you try to run away from it."

"Maybe, but I can't stay here any longer. If there's any chance of me being okay after this, I have to do away."

"That's what I thought you'd say. I just wanted to make sure. We've all been so worried…this could be just what you need. Just…make sure you don't forget what could be happening here, okay? I don't want you to get too lost in your fantasy. And I want you to come back. I'm going to miss you."

I give her a small smile, then stand up, put my packed suitcase on my bed, and turn around and give her a hug. "I'm going to miss you, too. I'll be back before three weeks is up. But only right before."

I step away and grab my suitcase. "I'm going to warn you now; I won't have my phone on. I don't want to risk anyone telling me about Chuck. I know it could help me get good news earlier, but with the situation so precarious even if he does survive the last surgery, I don't want to think it's okay then have it all come crashing down. It's better to wait until he's at least slightly recovered, and definitely stable. And it could also carry bad news, and I'd rather not wait by the phone every second of every day worrying. That's why I'm leaving. Oh, and Serena, make sure not to get too close to Humphrey while I'm gone. I won't be here to keep you from making a bad decision, and I don't want you to get hurt. Promise you'll at least wait until we can talk it over?"

Serena nods solemnly. "Promise," she says.

She knows that I may not be in the mood to deal with her Brooklyn problems if things take a turn for the worse by the time I come back, but I could ask for the world and she'd give it to me right now. She knows I'm going through a lot-she's going through some of it too. I often forget that Chuck is not just my friend-he's important to her too. And we all still feel terribly guilty for abandoning him.

"And take care of Nate."

I don't know much of what's been happening with him recently, but I do know that he's still in touch with Serena, and he's having been down lately too. He's having a hard time dealing with everything. Lily told me that he calls to see how Chuck's doing a lot. At least I had a slightly good reason to abandon Chuck, at least for a little bit…Nate's was far more flimsy. He just didn't bother, or he followed what the rest of us were doing. I know he wanted to visit Chuck, but he would be hard to find and it could get Serena and I upset with him. But I know he regrets not going to find Chuck now, because he still cares about him a lot. I would talk to him about everything, but I've barely been out of the house recently. And from what I hear, Nate hasn't been out much either. He's seemingly in better shape than I am, but I know he's upset.

I walk to the door, then turn around and look at Serena one more time, knowing that by the next time I see her things will be completely different, whichever way this goes.

"Bye, S," I say, and Serena looks at me sadly.

I can tell she doesn't want me to go, and her better judgment is probably telling her to stop me from running away, but another part of her knows that this could be good for me, and she wouldn't be able to stop me anyways.

I leave the room and my past self behind.

**AN: **

**Thanks to HughLaurieLover for the Empire State Building idea! You're amazing! **

**I thought it was a really awesome idea, I love connecting stuff in my stories to old events…and I do think that when Chuck did it it was quite romantic. **

**Anyways, it was a great idea, so thanks again for it! **

**Yes, next chapter will have a time-jump…and I bet you can guess how long it is. **

**Blair's vacation won't be very interesting or eventful, and if I do it from Serena, Lily, or Nate's point of view, it will give too much of what's happening back home away. **

**Oh, and if anyone is wondering where Blair is going, she's going to Paris. **

**Thanks for… **

**Reviewing: HughLaurieLover, ilovecujo1993, xoxogg4lifexoxo, QueenBee10, Johanna, Hoey, , and Aleshaa **

**Story Alert: , Vilhena, TwinsFindMe, and , **

**Favorite Story: **

**Pleasee review! **


	11. The Empire State Building

**Chapter 11 **

3 WEEKS LATER

I step of the plane from Paris, and travel into an airport in New York.

I'd visited my dad and Roman in Paris, and stayed with them. I could've gotten a hotel room, but I didn't want to spend any more time in one alone like I had at The Empire. And Daddy and Roman had no idea that Chuck was sick, or even that I was still in contact with him. They weren't likely to mention him to me.

I'd tried to escape, and in a way, it had worked. I mostly shopped and went out to restaurants, but everything was lonely. I wished I had Serena with me, but she needed to stay this time. In fact, I really needed to stay too. But at the same time, I needed to go away.

I spent a lot of time with Daddy and Roman for an adult, but they didn't notice anything strange, even though I cried myself to sleep every night. They didn't hear, and I tried to act happy during the day so they wouldn't suspect anything.

I was asked out a few times, but even though I craved company my age, I never gave in. It felt too much like betrayal to Chuck for me to feel comfortable with it. And I didn't want to go out with anyone that wasn't Chuck right now anyways.

I knew if Chuck was dead I'd have to get over that, or be alone.

I tried not to think about Chuck or what was going on at home, but it was so tempting. I spent many nights just looking at the phone, almost giving in and calling Serena, Nate, or Lily.

I'd thought the middle of the second week was the hardest during it. I knew that Chuck had probably had his surgery if he was alive. I didn't know how it went, and I was having trouble dealing with that.

I'd thought the second week was bad, but the third and last week was worse. I couldn't stand not knowing what was happening. I became closer and closer to calling home, but every time I picked up the phone, I thought about what I'd feel like if I found out Chuck was dead. Would that really make me feel better than not knowing?

No. At least this way there was some hope.

So every night, that is what made me put down the phone again.

But I couldn't escape forever.

I had had a bad feeling in my stomach form the start of this vacation, and it got worse every day. I'm slightly relieved to get home, but I'm much more nervous than relieved.

But no matter what, it will all be over tonight. I'll finally know the truth.

I change and freshen up at the airport. I make sure to be quick so that I can get there early. I don't want to chance being too late again.

I think I'm going to throw up on the way to the Empire State building, but luckily I'd decided earlier not to eat anything that day. I hadn't really felt like eating.

When I pay the driver and get out of the cab, I look up at the very tall building for a moment, gathering myself together, then close the door and rush inside. I check my watch as I ride the elevator.

It's 6:40.

This somehow seems far too late for what I'm doing. What if he's already come and left?

No. He wouldn't do that. He'll be on time, and if he's early he'll wait. He'll wait for however long it takes.

Anyways, my flight was delayed. There was nothing I could do to control that. And I'm still here before 7:01, with time to spare.

I get to the top of the building and quickly scan the area for a man dressed formally and maybe carrying flowers.

But I don't really care if he's not in a suit and he didn't bring flowers. I don't care if he's not strong enough yet to get out of his wheelchair. I don't care if he's in a hospital gown. I just need him to be alive and well.

I search everywhere, but I don't see Chuck. I start to panic, but it's only 6:50. He still has 11 minutes before 7:01.

I try my best to calm down and stand near the elevator, searching the face of every person who comes out.

But I don't see him.

It gets to be 7:00 far before I want it to be.

I feel like I can't breathe as I glance at my watch, and then look back at the elevator.

I watch it with tears brimming in my eyes, reminding myself again and again that he still has one more minute.

But I stand there for what feels like a long time, and I still don't see him. I refuse to let myself check the time. I keep telling myself it's still 7:00...he still had the rest of the minute.

But it gets to the point where I can't take it anymore. I tear my eyes away from the elevator and finally allow myself to look at my watch again.

It's 7:08.

My heart sinks.

Maybe's he's just late?

But Chuck would never keep me waiting. Not after what happened last time. He would never want me to feel the same way he did when I didn't show up.

Maybe he never even got the message. Maybe Lily just forgot to tell him. But Lily wouldn't do that.

I need to stop finding excuses. Here it is, the final confirmation that Chuck is dead.

I've known he's been dying for a long time, so I should be prepared for this.

But I'm not. Nothing could have ever prepared anyone for something like this.

I can't leave. Even though I know he won't show up, even though I know he's gone, I can't leave.

So I, Blair Waldorf, sit down on the dirt floor, alone, and I allow myself to cry.

And I don't know how I'm ever going to get back up.

Somewhere else in the city, not too far away, a young blonde stands in a hospital, calling her best friend. "Please answer your phone! I need to talk to you! This is important!"

She hangs up, feeling desperate. She's called her friends five times now, and she still hasn't picked up.

She turns around and faces an older blonde woman, presumably her mother.

"What's taking so long?" the younger woman demands.

The older woman looks exasperated. "They're being stubborn."

"They need to understand the seriousness of the situation!" the girl says impatiently. "Great!"

"What?"

"My phone just ran out of battery. Can I borrow yours?"

"Why?"

The daughter looks at her mother incredulously. "Because I still haven't reached Blair! Any you know why I need to talk to her. It's 7:10. And you remember what she said…he's already late."

**AN: So the last part is not from Blair's POV. It's not from anyone's POV. It didn't feel right ending it without that last bit. **

**Next chapter…has some drama. Let me rephrase that. Next chapter has a lot of drama. Be ready **

**Oh and sorry for the short chapter! **

**Hope you enjoyed the chapter. **

**Thanks for… **

**Reviewing: Hoey, QueenBee10, HughLaurieLover, ilovecujo1993, Aleshhaa, , and bwlm2011 **

**Story Alert: dizzydee422 and bwlm2011 **

**Favorite Story: RomanticSoul693, bwlm2011, MichiyoSN, and fswickar **

**Author Alert: twilightluvergurl **

**Thanks again! Pleasee review! **


	12. Never Grow Up

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl or the song "Never Grow Up" by Taylor Swift. **

**Chapter 12 **

Someone accidentally kicks me as I sit on the floor. I lift my face and stare at her for a moment.

"Sorry."

A little girl with big brown eyes looks at me.

"Are you homeless?" she asks me after a moment.

I can't decide whether to be offended or laugh.

I settle for being surprised. "No," I blink.

She shakes her head. "I didn't think so. You're too pretty to be homeless. But if you're not homeless, then why are you sitting on the ground like that?"

"I'm just upset."

"Why?" She looks at me so concerned that I almost want to tell her. She may be a complete stranger, but she's just a little girl. She's innocent and young and her life is so uncomplicated. She probably has 2 parents who love her, and maybe even siblings. She hasn't worried about boys or makeup or being queen yet. She hasn't been in love yet. She hasn't had her heart broken yet.

And I don't think she's ever had to deal with a death.

"It's complicated," I say. "Where are your parents?"

She shrugs. "Somewhere. You're ignoring the question."

"And you're ignoring mine," I say, wiping away my tears and almost smiling. Maybe I lost Chuck here, but that's no reason for this little girl's parents to lose her here. I'll put on a happy face and help the girl, maybe for no reason other than because I really don't know what else to do.

"I don't know where they are," she says. "Now will you answer mine?"

"Tell you what, if you let me take you back to your parents I'll tell you why I'm upset."

She nods and takes my hand.

I stand and look down at her. How can she be so trusting of everyone? Someone's going to have to teach her she can't be like that, before someone breaks her heart.

But that won't be for a long time.

I wonder what it'd be like to have a daughter. I'd always wanted a daughter. Or a son. I'd wanted kids.

But I'd always imagined them with Nate, then Chuck. I can't imagine myself having kids with anyone now. Sure, with Chuck I'd known kids were a long way away, back when we were dating. It had taken years to get him to say "I love you", so it would definitely take a while to get him to agree to having children, especially after what might have happened to his mother. But I'd loved Chuck, and I'd thought that one day we would get married, and then eventually we'd have kids. Now I didn't think there was any chance I'd have kids.

"What's your name?" I ask.

"Mia. So, why were you crying? I don't like it when people cry."

"Me neither," I say. "I was just upset because my friend didn't meet me here."

"Your friend skipped your playdate? That's rude."

"Well, he had a good reason."

"It's a he?" She raises her eyebrows. "Is it really a friend, or a boyfriend?"

I almost laugh but I can't seem to bring myself to. "I don't really know…I guess I was going to find out today."

She nods. "I get it. So are you going to dump him now that he didn't show up?"

"Well…I don't think I'll see him again." I'm suddenly close to crying again, but I hold it in for Mia.

"That's good."

I search the crowd for any distressed-looking parents, but I don't see any immediately.

"You're going to have to tell me what your parents look like," I tell her.

"Oh, my parents aren't here."

"What? Then where are they?"

"I already told you, I don't know. I think dad's working somewhere. And mom's in France or England, I can't remember."

My eyes widen as I realize that I was wrong about this girl. She doesn't have two loving parents. No. She's just like me. She's like Serena, or Nate, or Chuck. She's one of us.

"Who are you here with?"

"Annabelle. The nanny."

"I'm so sorry…" I say.

She looks up at me curiously. "For what?"

I don't know what to say. Suddenly something catches her eye.

"There she is," she says, pointing to someone behind me. I turn around.

A young woman is talking on her cell phone, leaning against a wall.

I feel another stab of sympathy for Mia. I lead her towards the nanny.

"Hold on," she says into the phone, then brings it away from her ear.

"Are you finally ready to go?" she says Mia, obviously annoyed.

"Annabelle, this is my new friend. He name is…" She looks up at me, puzzled.

"Blair," I say reaching my hand out to shake the nanny's hand. She ignores it.

"Let's go, I have a hair appointment in a half hour," she says, taking the girl.

"Wait, I want to say bye to Blair…"

The nanny drags the girl off and I watch her go. She turns around and waves at me as she leaves, and I wave back.

I want to slide onto the floor again, but I've gotten this far. I can't make myself walk, so I stand there and think.

Mia is the classic Upper East Sider. She'll grow up to be another me, or Serena, or Hazel or Penelope. She'll never really be happy. She'll never be loved by her parents. She'll never be able to marry the man she loves. She'll probably marry a rich man and be head of some society. I can see her whole life played out in my head.

I used to think I wanted that. When I fell in love with Chuck I realized life didn't have to be like that. I'd always played games to be on top and make life more exciting. But with Chuck the games got worse. Life wasn't exciting enough so we made the stakes higher. It was no wonder we crashed at the end. By the time we realized it was enough to just love one another, it was too late. Which was what left me standing here alone.

How was I supposed to win? Life was sad and boring the way it used to be at the beginning of high school. That's what made Serena act out. Life was exciting with Chuck, but in the end it became too much. Life was a tragedy nowadays…was there any way to win?

I'd won a few good battles against the world, but in the end I'd lost the war.

I was doomed to, the world I was born into. Not the earth, but the Upper East Side. I was born into high society, and parties, and cocktails, and designer clothes…but in the end it wasn't enough. It would never be enough. It was missing things like love, and family…

_What you need to decide is if all this…is worth it. _

I once had asked Jenny if it was all worth it-the parties, the reputation, everything….was it worth all you had to lose to get there?

She was smart. She knew it wasn't. Even then, I knew it too, somewhere in my mind. But no one had ever given me the option to not live like that. I'd been doomed from the start.

Chuck had been doomed from the start too. We were a pair doomed from the start.

Could any of us be happy?

Jenny was, before she became queen.

Serena had been happy with Dan.

Dan hadn't been doomed.

Maybe the only chance of being happy would be being like a Humphrey.

Or being _with_ aHumphrey…

I quickly find my phone in my purse, and I turn it on for the first time in weeks.

I have a ton of missed calls but I don't check them. I dial Serena's number.

It rings and rings but she doesn't pick up. It goes straight to voicemail.

"Serena, it's Blair. I just wanted to say…forget about what I said about Humph…about Dan. Make sure he's really over Vanessa, but then I think she should be with him. I want you to be happy, even if that means being with someone from Brooklyn. He's the only chance you have to be really happy. Don't forget that…okay. I'm not sure if I'll be back tonight, but if I am, I guess I'll see you tonight. Oh, and, um…let me know when the funeral is. I hope I haven't missed it. I want to say something…I want to….to say…goodbye."

My lip starts to tremble and I feel like I'm going to cry again.

"I'll see you later. Bye."

I hang up and go into the elevator. I need to leave this place. There are too many memories.

I walk out onto the street and I suddenly feel very cold, even with my jacket. I pull it tighter around myself and walk away from the building.

I've never liked not having a destination. But right now, I have no destination. I don't know where I'm going. I could go home and have Serena and Dorota take care of me, but I almost want to be alone right now. I don't really know exactly what I want, but I don't think it's Serena hovering around me worriedly. At the same time, I don't want to be alone. I'm scared of being alone. But I'm going to have to face it sooner or later. I'll have my friends, although that's only really Serena and Nate. I have other people I'm friendly with, but those are the only people I trust right now. The only living people, anyways. But I'll never get married. I'll never have kids. I'll never have more friends than now- making friends has never been my strength. In so many ways I'll always be alone. Serena and Nate won't want to take care of me my whole life. They'll move on with their lives.

I walk around the city until I don't even know where I am. I can't think of where to go, even though it's getting late and I need to decide where to sleep. Should I just go to a hotel? I can't run forever. I'm going to have to go home sometime. I told Serena I'd be back. It would be best to just go home now.

I decide the best way to get home would be to get a taxi. But I soon find myself walking towards the hospital Chuck used to be at. I'm drawn to it. I don't know why, but I feel like I need to be there right now. It might be because that's where it happened. That's where he died. I need to be there, and maybe that will help me feel closer to him. I feel terribly guilty for not being there when he died. I should have stayed here for him. But it's too late now. He's gone.

Gone.

I'm almost at the hospital. As I walk closer I start to think about what's happened. I feel in shock. I know he's gone, I know it's over. But I can't seem to think much about what it will be like without him. Suddenly I just can't help it anymore. I start to think about it…

I'll never see him again.

The realization hits me harder than anything else that night.

He'll never tell me he loves me again.

I stumble and let myself fall onto the steps in front of the hospital.

He'll never even talk to me again.

I bury my head in my hands.

He'll never joke around with Nate again.

I want to scream.

He'll never smile with Lily again.

I didn't think I had any tears left but I was wrong.

He'll never smile at all again.

I sob and lean against the wall.

He'll never take the elevator up to my penthouse again.

A million memories flash through my head. All gone…all lost…he's gone and lost but in my head he's everywhere…

He'll never buy me pick peonies again…

I lift my head and wipe my eyes, trying to get myself under control. I'm taking deep breaths when a flash of pink catches my eye.

It's just someone's jacket. I'm instantly disappointed. It's stupid to think that there's any chance he could be alive.

I close my eyes tight and try to make my breathing regular again. It feels like a part of me is missing. I know he's gone-but now it feels like I'm gone too. I'm gone but I'm here, without him.

I don't have the energy to try to make sense of my own thoughts right now. I need to escape. I need a release. I can't be here, where he died, anymore. Not right now. I suddenly feel like I need to get away. Nothing seems to matter to me anymore, except for escaping.

That is…was one of Chuck's biggest problems. He always needed to escape when things got hard. I guess it's rubbed off on me, because all I want to do now is get away.

There's a bar surprisingly close to the hospital, and I walk into it. For a moment I worry that this is becoming a habit, but I tell myself that I'm not going to worry anymore. Nothing matters anymore, so why worry?

What do I possibly have left to lose? What can be taken away from me?

I know I'm being stupid, somewhere in me. I know I still have money. But money can't buy happiness, that much has been proven. And I still have Nate and Dorota and Serena and a house, but none of that-none of it-can make up for losing Chuck. Nothing can make up for losing anyone. If I lost Serena I wouldn't be able to fill the hole either. I love them both. I love my family, and Serena and Nate and Dorota-but they are my family. Even so, they can't fill the hole.

I go to the bathroom first to freshen up. I try to control my emotions and calm down, but I'm still finding it hard to breathe. I need something, fast. I need a drink. On my way out I run into a few guys near the bathrooms.

"Hey," one of them nods at me. "You okay?"

I put on a smile and nod. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"Can I buy you a drink?"

"That'd be great," I say in relief, because no matter how hard I try I'm finding it hard to stop worrying about everything. All I really need right now is a drink. I wait for the man to get the drink and he brings it back to me. I smile gratefully and take a sip. I take another and end up drinking the whole thing.

"Want another?" one asks, and I almost say yes.

"You could buy me the strongest drink here, and I don't think it would help," I say sadly.

"I know what you mean," one says, glancing at his friend. "But you do know there's a solution for times like that, right?"

"What do you mean?" I ask.

My eyes widen as I realize exactly what he means when he flashes a small bag.

"Oh no-I couldn't," I say nervously.

"Come on, it's just one time. You look like you've had a rough night. What happened? Did your boyfriend break up with you or something?"

My eyes fill with tears. "No," I say. "He died."

The guys exchange glances. "Sorry. Now I know you've definitely had a rough night-and you definitely need this. Tell you what, I'll give it to you on the house just this once, okay? You're a pretty girl, and you're upset. I can't resist a damsel in distress."

I'm about to refuse again and the leave the area, but something stops me. I find myself seriously considering taking the pills.

"Just this once? You won't need to again. I won't need to again," I say, not believing what I'm saying.

What am I doing?

I quickly brush my voice of reason into the back of my head. It's only this once. And I need this right now.

"Atta girl. I promise, this will take the pain away."

I nod and take them, washing them down with a new drink.

I keep talking to the guys, because what else is there to do? I'm starting to feel less and less worried, but also a little strange.

It gets worse and my vision is starting to blur. I can't finish my sentences right. My mind is spinning.

"Are you okay?" one of the guys asks.

"I'm fine…I mean no…I think I need to go home," I say. I start to walk away but stumble. One of them catches me.

"Oh come on, we're just getting started! Everyone feels a little sick their first time."

I shake my head. "No, I really should…go home. My friend…she's waiting."

"Why don't I get you a cab and make sure you get home safely? You don't look so great."

I nod, but as he leads me out the door I start to feel very wrong. I don't know this man at all, and he does sell drugs.

Then again, I just took them.

"Wait…"I say, and start to struggle to get away. "I'll get home by myself…" I break away but then stumble back into his arms.

He laughs. "I don't think so…you're a mess."

I struggle again, but he tightens his hold on me. This is all wrong. We get outside and all the lights on the buildings are too bright…I struggle harder to get away.

"Let go of me!" I suddenly feel something rise in my stomach and I push away to get to the trash can. The man quickly lets go of me as I throw up.

I cough and I'm picking my head up to get my phone and call Serena when I see another flash of pink. Right under my face.

And this time it's exactly what I think it is.

I look at the flowers for a moment, not believing what I'm seeing.

"No," I whisper, because it can't be true. These flowers are just here to haunt me. Chuck is dead. Right?

With trembling hands, I take out my phone. I don't bother checking who my missed calls are from. I check my voicemail, and within seconds Serena's voice is coming from the phone.

"Blair, it's Serena! This has to be the hundredth time I've called! Look, I know you wanted the Empire State Building thing to be a surprise, but I can't let you go through with it! I'm scared of what you might do when you don't see him! You have to come home now. We'll talk about this, because Chuck isn't going to show up today, because-"

I quickly hang up before she can say it. I know what she's going to say, and I just won't be able to handle anyone telling me that he's dead.

I turn and throw my phone at the wall of the nearest building, an old brick one. I don't wait to see it break and I rest against the trash can. I only feel slightly better. Luckily, the man is gone. I guess I scared him away. I'm relieved, but I suddenly feel like I've lost Chuck all over again.

The flowers were a horrible, cruel trick. They let me hope again. But he's dead. He's dead and he's never coming back, confirmed by the broken phone on the ground. I turn back to the street and manage to hail down a taxi. Serena's right. I should go home. I'm not going to talk about it, but Serena will just have to respect my wishes. She's my best friend. And I need someone to take care of me right now.

I head home and almost pass out in the taxi. A million thoughts are running through my head but at the same time I feel so empty. I don't know what to think about this all or how to handle it. All I know is that I'm upset. I feel tired and my head feels heavy, but my mind is still racing, and everything is just so confusing. I can't string my thoughts together. By the time I get home, I'm trying to pay the taxi driver in lip gloss.

I finally figure it out and hand the driver the right amount of money and then step out of the taxi. I have to lean against the side of the building for a moment to rest. I can barely see where I'm going, let alone stand. And I'm so tired. So tired of everything. I don't even know what to do at this point. What will tomorrow bring? It doesn't feel like there's a real future for me.

I manage to make my way to the elevator, and then I'm finally in my penthouse.

I walk in and freeze, because even through my blurry vision and half-crazy mind, I recognize the person sitting in my living room.

"Chuck?"

"Blair!" he says in relief, standing and starting to walk quickly towards me.

"Stop!" I say. "Stop right there!"

He stops, looking confused.

"Blair, it's okay, I'm okay, I'm alive!"

"Why are you here?"

"To see you!"

"But you're dead." I lean against the wall for support. "You're dead…"

He shakes his head. "Blair, are you okay?"

"You didn't show up…"

"I know, and I'm sorry but they weren't going to let me out, I had to threaten and bribe them and they're making a nurse live with me! Blair, what's wrong? What happened to you?"

"No, you were late because you're dead!" I shriek. I don't know what's happening. This is just a trick, like the flowers. The world is still taunting me, for some reason. Maybe I'm being punished for abandoning Chuck.

"Blair, look at me, I'm fine!"

"Who are you?"

"I'm Chuck!"

"Chuck is dead! You're not Chuck. You're…you're…you're just here to trick me…why is this happening?"

"Blair, calm down! It's okay!" He starts to move closer to me.

"Don't come any closer!" I warn. "Serena!" I call up the stairs.

He ignores me and moves closer. I try to move away but stumble. "What happened to you?" he asks quietly. "Who did this to you?"

I push him away, because this isn't him. This isn't Chuck. Chuck is dead. He's lying dead in a grave somewhere, or being prepared for it. This man is not Chuck, it can't be…after everything that's happened today, after everything I've had to accept, I can't accept this. This is not real.

Chuck is pushed back into a small table, and a vase on it falls and breaks on the ground, the pink peonies in it falling with it.

"All I ever did was love you," I whisper. "And all you ever did was hurt me. Even now, even now that you're dead, you're hurting me, because you know, you know I still love you, but you know I can't have you, because you're-you're…"

The pink peonies are strewn on the ground. Sitting there, taunting me of what could have been…

"…dead."

I slide down on the wall and start to cry. "Serena!" I call. "Serena, help! Serena!"

"Blair?" I hear her shout. She appears at the top of the stairs. "Blair, what's wrong? Is there someone in the house?" she says, eyeing the broken vase.

"Serena, help me! Who's that? Get him out!"

Serena hurries down the stairs. "Chuck? What's going on?" she asks the man.

"What did you call him?" I demand. "Who is he?"

The man stands and looks at Serena, bewildered. "Serena, I think she's been drugged, I don't know what's happening but something's wrong…" He turns to me. "Blair, Blair I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you and I'm not trying to now! Please…"

"It's Chuck, Blair! He's alive! Didn't you get my messages?"

"Yes, and you said he was dead! No, no, that's not him, Chuck is dead…"

Serena runs to me and hugs me.

"Shh, it's okay, B. Calm down. I'll get him out," she whispers.

"I think you might be right," Serena says worriedly to the man. "Don't worry, I'll take care of it, but you'd better go. I'm sorry. I'll call you later."

I look up briefly and see the hurt and extreme worry in the man's eyes, but he nods and leaves.

I sit there with Serena for a while, refusing to move, until Nate shows up.

"Serena, I got your text. What's wrong? Did the lovebirds leave?"

He notices us on the ground.

"Help me move her to her bed, please, Nate?" Serena asks softly.

He nods, looking confused, and suddenly I feel myself lifted.

"What happened?" he whispers.

"Shh," Serena says softly.

I finally feel myself lain down in my bed.

"Blair," Serena says quietly. "Tell me what happened. Tell me what happened when Chuck didn't show up today."

"Maybe we should let her rest, something's clearly drugged her. I remember with Jenny-"

"Nate, not the time to reminisce. And we have to do this now. We need to know if she's in danger."

"Okay."

"B, what happened?"

"I left…I went to the hospital…then that bar nearby…"

Nate groans.

"I've been there, it's one of the sketchiest places I've ever been."

"And then-and then…there were these guys…they bought me a drink…then I-I…"

I can't say it. I feel like I'll disappoint them if I tell them. I skip over the next part.

"…then everything was wrong, and one tried to take me away but then I saw the flowers…"

"What flowers?"

"The pink peonies…but they were just a trick, because I listened to your message. You said Chuck wasn't going to show up."

"We threw the flowers we bought for Chuck to bring to her in the trash after they weren't going to let him out, remember?" Serena says to Nate. "And she must not have listened to the whole message…"

"So she thinks Chuck is dead?"

"Well, she saw him but freaked out, she kept saying it was a trick because Chuck was dead. I had to send him home."

"Wow. How'd he take that?"

"Well, he just wants Blair to be okay. He agreed."

"Do you think she'll be okay?"

"Yes, I think so. We better not talk about Chuck to her right now, though. It'll just confuse her. Let's wait for her to have some sleep."

I guess they think I can't hear, even though I can. But I'm not paying much attention to what they're saying. It doesn't quite process in my mind.

All I know that Chuck is still dead and nothing is going to change that.

**AN: This one was also originally three chapters! Hope you liked it, even if things did get a bit crazy! If you know the song "Never Grow Up" by Taylor Swift, that's what the beginning was kinda modeled after even though I didn't really mean for it to be. **

**I felt it needed another twist, so I hope you guys don't mind. I hope I didn't go too far-I'm always doing that when writing, testing my limits and then seeing if they're accepted. I don't even mean to. I just hope I didn't cross a line here. **

**A whirlwind drama-filled chapter! The next one will be less dramatic…I need to start wrapping this story up! Probably around 2-3 chapters left. **

**I'm not sure when I'll update next…maybe this weekend? **

**Thanks for… **

**Reviewing: QueenBee10, Hoey, Aleshaa, Roswell Dream Girl, SKaylor95, and RomanticSoul693 **

**Favorite Story: conem **

**Story Alert: 2010blueberry **

**Author Alert: jdhorses**

**Oh and since I updated soon with a really long and drama-filled chapter, I think that means extra reviews! But if you hated it please don't be too harsh! **


	13. I'm Sorry

**AN: Okay, so I know some people had mixed responses to last chapter…I feel like I'm always so mean to Blair and I'm sorry…but I still like happy endings, as I said before. **

**Chapter 13 **

I wake up in my own bed, but it takes me a moment to realize that. I feel like I should be in Paris. I sit up and look around. I'm alone.

What happened last night?

I know that Chuck is dead. I can feel it. But that's all I'm sure of.

I get out of bed and go downstairs. Serena and Nate are eating breakfast, talking in low voices.

"…just have to wait until she wakes up, he keeps calling me-Blair! You're awake!" Serena says, noticing me walk into the room.

I just sit down next to them.

"What happened last night?" I voice my thoughts out loud.

Serena and Nate exchange a look. "We were afraid this would happen," Serena says sadly. "What's the last thing you remember?"

I search my mind. "Mia."

"What?"

"This little girl I met at the Empire State Building. After…after he didn't show up."

My eyes fill with tears and Serena quickly takes my hand. Serena nods. "Okay, Blair, I-" she looks at Nate. "-we-are going to talk to you about a few things."

Nate nods and it strikes me that they've rehearsed what they're going to say. I take a deep breath and prepare myself for a speech on how I should deal with Chuck's death, about how they're all upset too, etc.

Nate looks at me. "Blair, after you left, we all stayed here and rooted for Chuck. We helped Lily with everything. We supported each other, but most of all, we supported Chuck. After the press found out, we had to handle that. I just think it's important for you to know that before we begin. Chuck wasn't alone."

"Wait," I say suddenly. "Can you just-can you tell me exactly how it happened? Like, when?"

Serena nods. "We'll get to that. But first…we have to talk to you about what happened to you last night."

"When you came back, you went to the Empire State building to meet Chuck, and he didn't show up. I guess you talked to this Mia girl and then left. You went to Chuck's hospital but didn't go inside. You went to a bar nearby. A pretty sketchy bar."

"How do you know all this?" I interrupt Nate.

"You told us a little last night."

"I talked to you last night?"

He nods.

"So then you met some guys. You were just talking to them, and they brought you one drink," Serena continues. "But they must have drugged it. They tried to take you with them somewhere but once you were outside I guess you got rid of them. And…you saw some pink peonies in the trash. Peonies that were thrown out by Nate and I. Then you listened to a voicemail from me telling you that Chuck wasn't going to show up, which you already knew. But it wasn't for the reason you thought. You didn't finish my message, so you didn't hear what I was going to say. Then you came home, very distressed, and we brought you to bed."

"What do you mean, it wasn't for the reason I thought? And you just brought me to bed?"

"Well, something else happened, but we'll get to that in a moment," Nate says, uncomfortable.

"What happened?"

They ignore me. "Now we'll get to what happened with us. We were here with Chuck, and well, things weren't going great," Serena starts. "Chuck was getting worse instead of better. Finally, the nurse told us that they were going to do the surgery anyways, because he was only getting worse. He could die before they had the chance to finish the surgery. They thought it would be better to get it done then see if he could recover. They let us decide, and we agreed. So they did the last surgery, around the same time you thought they would."

"He survived it," Nate cuts in. "But things were worse with his recovery. We had them try everything they could, but nothing was working, and Chuck was becoming completely unresponsive. It didn't seem like he had any brain activity. They asked if we wanted him taken off life support because they whole thing had gotten even more expensive, but we wanted to wait until you got home, so you could decide."

"So he's not dead yet?" I whisper, my lips curving into a smile. I'm still upset, but now I see what they're telling me. That's why he didn't show up. That's what Serena was trying to tell me in her message. He may be unresponsive, but he's still alive. And maybe I can do something to help him wake up. No, I know I can do something. There has to be a reason he survived all of his surgeries. They said he couldn't do it, but he did. And now he's going to wake up, no matter what they say.

"No, he's not dead," Serena smiles. "And that's not all. Two days ago, something amazing happened. We've been allowed to visit him since his last surgery, so we've been going in a lot. We were talking to him about the Empire State Building thing. And then he just…woke up."

"What?" I gasp, not believing what I'm hearing.

"Yeah, the machines just went wild and his eyes opened. He seemed pretty surprised to be alive, but there he was, alive and well."

"Oh my god," I say, breathing very heavily and grinning. "Where is he? Why didn't you tell me this earlier?"

"We did," Serena says. "That's what happened when you got home. Chuck didn't show up because they wouldn't let him out yet. But he threatened, bribed, and pleaded his way out. He has to live with a nurse-don't worry, she's old and unattractive-but he got out. He didn't want to be late like you were. It was too late by the time we got there. Chuck was pretty tired but he was determined to see you, so Nate and I brought him here. Nate left after a while but I stayed with Chuck to wait for you. Eventually I went up to bed, because I figured the two of you would want to be alone once you came home. I thought you'd go to The Empire. But I woke up when I heard you shouting for me and something breaking. I thought someone had broken in or something, but when I ran to the stairs I saw that it was just Chuck. Only you didn't see that. You were still drugged, and you had pushed him into the vase because he was trying to walk towards you. I guess you'd had enough for the day. You kept saying it was all some cruel trick, just like the flowers you found."

"Oh no," I breathe. "Chuck…is he okay?"

"Yeah, he's fine. I had to send him home and then I tried to calm you down. He was upset but mostly just worried about you. Then I called Nate and we put you to bed, and then you woke up and that brings us to the present."

"I have to go see him," I say immediately, standing and running to the elevator.

"Blair, don't you want to change and grab your coat? You'll freeze!" Serena calls after me, but I ignore her and take the elevator quickly down.

I don't have time to change. I have something else to do.

I make it to the Empire in record time and head right up.

I can remember bits and pieces of last night. I remember Mia, then I remember a little of the bar…

And I know that they guys didn't drug me. I know what really happened.

But I don't want to think about that, and no one ever has to know about it, as long as it never happens again.

I don't remember much else, except I do remember pushing someone and then a vase breaking. I guess that must have been Chuck.

I feel awful because I can only imagine how he's feeling now. He's probably worried and very hurt that when we finally were reunited I just yelled at him.

I step into the hotel room.

"Chuck!" I call, and an old nurse glances up at me from the couch as I rush past her.

"Blair?" I hear his voice and then there he is, right in front of me, and I throw my arms around him, almost knocking him down.

"I'm sorry," I say, crying into his shoulder. "I'm so, so sorry…"

"Blair, it's okay," he says. "It's not your fault."

I don't say anything because I know it is my fault, because I never should have taken those pills.

"I can't believe you're okay-you're alive-"

"I know," he says. "Me neither."

I laugh and then we're in his room.

I lean in to kiss him and everything just feels perfect…

Everything just feels right.

We fall onto the bed and he pulls away.

"Blair, wait. We should…we need to talk about this."

I sigh. I should have known this was coming.

"I know. But can't it wait?"

Chuck shakes his head. "We've been through so much…surely waiting a little longer won't matter? The only way we can be together right now is if we work out all of our issues…from ones that are years old to ones that are weeks old. I want to make sure we both know what we're getting into."

"Okay," I agree reluctantly. "You're right. We do have a lot to discuss."

He nods. "First, I want to apologize for what happened with Jack. I know it was a long time ago but what I did was wrong. I got too caught up in the game. I was wrong to think that you would stick by me through it. I shouldn't have forgotten what was really important. I never wanted to hurt you, or lose you. I just didn't want everything I'd worked for going down the drain. But that's no excuse."

"I know why you did it," I say. "And yes, I know it was wrong. But I also know that it was a mistake. It's not who you are. You may play games but so do I, and neither of us would normally make the stakes so high. I know that. And I've forgiven you for that. Can you, in turn, forgive me for tricking you at the freshman dinner? I shouldn't have used you like that. I should have asked you or not done it at all. I shouldn't have made you a piece in my game."

"I forgive you for that, of course. It's much better than what I did to you."

"Don't do that. This isn't about getting even, or making things up to me. We both made the other a piece in our game. We both lied to the other. We both tricked the other to get what we wanted. We both gave away the other's…services for free. What you did was not much worse than what I did. We both made mistakes. I was going to sleep with Jack without even knowing about the game. That was another mistake. It was only to help you, but it was wrong. I meant well, but it was the wrong decision. I'm sorry."

"You wouldn't have done it if I hadn't driven you to."

"Right, but I still shouldn't have given in. You shouldn't have been able to get me to go so easily."

"We both messed up. But that wasn't the end, as we both know. With Jenny…I'm so sorry. But you need to know that it wasn't about you. It wasn't about getting back at you, or hurting you, or making you jealous. It wasn't about making you upset. I had hit rock bottom. I was someone with nothing to lose…and Jenny was in the same position. It didn't mean anything. It was just two lonely people turning to the only person they had left."

"I know, and I shouldn't have blamed you so much for that. I know that you had every right to sleep with someone else when we were broken up and had been for a while, and it was even to be expected of you, especially when you were upset. I was just so upset that it had happened…so I blamed you. And Jenny. When in reality it was all just bad timing and bad luck. I forgive you and I'm sorry I blamed you. Maybe if I hadn't, you wouldn't have left, and then you wouldn't have gotten shot…"

"Don't blame yourself for that. That was also just bad luck and stupidity on my part. I shouldn't have been still carrying around that ring…and I shouldn't have fought against them. And I forgive you for blaming me, of course. I know why you were upset."

"Let's fast-forward a few years," I say. "I'm sorry it took so long to visit. I was hurt and I didn't see any point to go looking for someone who had hurt me so much if they weren't even going to make the effort of apologizing. I know now that you were going through a lot, and I wish I had been there for you. I wish you had called me when you got shot…I can't believe you told them not to call anyone, that you had no one there with you…"

"I accept your apology, and I'm sorry I didn't call you, I just didn't want to hear that you didn't care. What if I had called, and you didn't show up? Anyways, I didn't want you thinking of me differently because I'd been shot. I didn't want to worry you or make you forgive me. I didn't want to put you in an uncomfortable position. And I didn't even know you still cared about me."

"I will always care about you," I say. "Even though I was mad, I would have wanted to know if you'd been hurt. I would have wanted to be there for you. And I'm sorry of the way I handled myself when I did visit you…I let you wear that mask at first. Then I yelled at you to try to get it off. It was another game, in a way. I shouldn't have snuck into your room when you weren't there and read your letters. I'm sorry. But I'm glad I did, because otherwise I may not have found out until it was too late. Even then it was almost too late."

"Don't apologize, I'm glad you did too. It was unfair of me to keep that from you. I'd be dead right now if it weren't for you. And I'm sorry for not telling you that there was a way to save me. But I didn't want you to know about it because I was worried it would hurt you even more. I didn't want to drag out my death. I just wanted you to have the chance to forget about me. I didn't want you to have hope that I would survive only to have me die. I didn't want you getting too attached, which is why I pushed you away and wore that mask before, and I'm sorry. About the mask…you should know that I am different. It's not all a mask. I don't know if I can be the same man you were in love with, but I can try. At the same time, I'm still me. I won't hide things form you anymore. I won't hide my emotions, and the mask will be gone. I just don't want you to be disappointed when I'm not the same."

"I know you're different, and I am too. I love you no matter what. I just need you to be you, and not wear a mask. As long as you don't, I'll love you. Even if you do I might. I just don't think our relationship would work very well if you did."

"I know. I think that we should try it out. We should just…jump in."

"Me too," I smile.

"But we have to move slowly. And we can't keep things from each other anymore. And we can't play games anymore, at least not ones where we put the other person's feelings at stake."

I nod. "Wait, there's one more thing I want to apologize for…I'm sorry about last night. I wasn't in my right mind."

"I want to talk about that too. First of all, I want to promise that I will never hurt you like I used to. And I didn't mean to hurt you by letting myself die, or anything."

"Wait…what did I say to you, exactly?"

"Well…one thing you said was that all you'd ever done was love me and all I'd ever done was hurt you…you said that even then I was hurting you by dying and then coming back to taunt you of what could have been."

"I said that? Chuck, I didn't mean that at all. I was just upset. I know that I've hurt you too, and I know that you haven't just hurt me. You've loved me too."

"I just want you to know that I'm done with hurting you. I never meant to, but it doesn't matter. It's over now."

"I won't hurt you either. If we break up, it will be because we no longer love the other, not because one of us hurt the other."

"Right. And Blair, of course I forgive you for last night, but what happened? Who drugged you?"

I bite my lip. "I…I…it was…" I look up at him guiltily.

"It was who?" Chuck questions. "Wait…don't tell me you did what I think you did…"

"It's not like you haven't taken drugs before!" I say defensively. "And it's not like I'll ever do them again! I was just upset…"

"I haven't taken anything besides medication prescribed to me since Prague, and before that it was just high school and after we broke up. I was stupid then. And you better be telling the truth about never doing it again...I can't believe you did this because of me...I'm so sorry…"

"It's not your fault!" I say quickly. "I shouldn't have done it."

Chuck still looks worried.

"Don't worry," I say, putting a hand on his shoulder. "It will never happen again. Just please don't tell Nate or Serena…they'll get upset…"

"Fine, but only if it never, ever happens again."

I nod quickly.

"So…are you ready?" I say, grinning.

"To jump?" he asks.

I nod.

"I've never been more ready for anything in my life," he says, grinning back.

I laugh and pull him in and we fall back onto the bed.

**AN: Sorry, I meant to post sooner! Also something about this chapter seems off to me. And I know it was a lot of talking and "I'm sorry for this, I forgive you" over and over again but they had a ton of stuff to discuss before it felt right to put them back in a relationship. Hope you liked it anyways! I think the next chapter will be the last. **

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**Reviewing: QueenBee10, ilovecujo1993, xoxogg4lifexoxo, mcrs, RomanticSoul693, HughLaurieLover (for chapter 11), HughLaurieLover (for chapter 12), bwlm2011, Hoey, , aleshaa, svenjen (for chapter 11), svenjen (for chapter 12), JissyLuv13, and serapy **

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**Thanks for so many reviews last chapter! Sorry if this chapter was boring! Oh and this story hit 100 reviews I think 2 chapters ago so that's awesome thank you guys so much! Please review! **


	14. Like Old Times

**Chapter 14 **

I walk into Serena's room at my penthouse the next morning.

"You're home earlier than I suspected," she notes.

"Yeah, well, I really want to spend time with Chuck. It was hard to leave. But I want you and Nate to be able to have time with him too…and I also want to spend time with you…it's been a long time since we've been able to talk."

"I know," she sighs. "With everything going on, it's been hard."

"I want to thank you for being here with Chuck. I know I ran away, and I'm sorry. I think you're most of the reason he woke up. Without you, I don't think he would have. You've supported Chuck and me throughout this whole thing. And I want to say sorry for not telling you I was visiting Chuck in the first place. I was afraid it wouldn't go well, and then I'd have to tell you that. And I was ashamed that I'd given in."

"Or course I forgive you, and you're welcome for staying with Chuck!"

We smile at each other for a moment. It feels so good to be back here with my best friend.

"In a completely unrelated matter, I got your message," Serena says.

"My message?" I ask, confused.

"The one about Dan."

"Oh…"

"Thanks for the advice. But do you really think that?"

"Oh, it was nothing," I say. "And yes, I do. I just want you to be happy, S. And for some reason unknown to me, Dan does that. So go, be with him. I'm sorry that I never really gave him a chance. I just didn't want you in a relationship with a married man."

"And I won't be," she promises. "Actually, the divorce went through while you were away. Don't worry-" she says quickly as I open my mouth to speak. "I still didn't make the decision to start dating him again until now, and I barely talked to him while you were away. I kept my promise. And don't worry; Vanessa and him are still on relatively good terms."

"Like I was worried about that," I laugh.

Serena shrugs. "Just in case. I just want you to know that Dan is completely available and ready this time. We're both ready. This time won't be like the others. This time it will work out."

I nod. "I believe you, S. And thanks for waiting."

"No problem. But now that I have your blessing, I'm definitely ready to jump in. Oh, and you have to keep your promise too."

"What?"

"You promised you'd take back everything bad you ever said about Dan if you were wrong about him not divorcing Vanessa and not making me happy."

"Oh right…fine. I take it back," I say.

"What? I can't hear you. Can you say that a little clearer and louder, please?" Serena teases.

"I take back every bad thing I've even said about Humphrey…I mean Dan!" I say loudly.

"That's better," Serena laughs.

I smile. "So, what are you waiting for? Go! Meet up with him!"

She smiles back. "Not right now, B. Right now, I have something more important to do. Actually, we have something more important to do."

"We do?" I ask, confused.

"Yes," she grins. She grabs my arm. "Come on!"

"Where are we going?" I laugh as I follow her out the door.

"We're going to go do something that we haven't done in a long time."

We arrive at The Empire not too much later.

"I thought you said we were doing something we haven't done in a long time?"

"We are," Serena grins. "We're going to get the group back together again, finally. No drama, no fighting…just us again. Hanging out. Like old times."

Serena leads me into Chuck's room, where Nate and Chuck are eating room service on the couch.

"Hey guys!" Serena says brightly. "I brought Blair!"

Chuck and Nate greet us.

I can tell they've made up, and I'm glad. It's good to see that the bromance has been rekindled.

Serena sits with them and I just look at them for a moment, smiling.

It's good to see the whole group back together.

"Are you just going to stand there? Come eat!" Serena encourages me.

I sit down next to Chuck and smile at him.

He smiles back.

"You know, we all still have a lot of catching up to do," Nate says.

We all agree and soon we're all telling stories from the past few years, and that turns into stories of our childhoods and teenage years. We reminisce for what feels like hours. We talk and we laugh and I can't stop feeling amazingly happy and grateful for all that I have. Chuck is alive, Serena is happy, Nate and Serena are still good friends, Nate and Chuck are friends again, and Chuck and I are a couple again. All is well.

"I'd like to make a toast," Serena says. "To old memories."

She holds up her glass.

"And to making many new ones," Chuck adds and we all raise our glasses.

We clink glasses and Chuck and I kiss.

We continue to have a good time and I can't stop grinning like an idiot.

But hey, I can't help it.

Everything is finally back to normal.

And man, it's good to be back.

**THE END**

**AN: And it's over! I can't believe it's the end! I'm sorry I know this chapter was soooo short! I hope you guys aren't disappointed there wasn't more CB interaction…I'm not great at writing that kind of stuff and I just couldn't find a good spot for it here. I wanted to make the main part of this chapter friendship, instead of romance. **

**I want to thank everyone who has ever even just given this story a try. I want to thank those who have read it from the beginning, and those who started reading it at any point after. I want to thank you for your overwhelming support-when I started writing fanfiction I had no idea people would be this supportive. You guys are amazing! It's been kinda a rough ride. I didn't always like what I was writing. I sometimes wrote things that people didn't like. I took a few risks that may have lost me a few readers. I had some trouble with OOC (I still think I have trouble with OOC, which means out of character if you don't know, but I'm glad I stuck with the story anyways). Through it all, I got great comments and constructive criticism and I'm glad I wrote this story! Thank you so much! **

**As for what I'm doing next…it's hard to say. I actually have 2 more ideas for a post 3x22 story, but I think people will get a little tired of me writing about that kind of thing. Also, I'm way behind. This fic felt okay to do in the middle of season 4 because it was set years later. But if I did another one set right after 3x22 like Losing and Looking for Love, then I think it'd be weird, even if it was different. I like the ideas, I just have to keep in mind who'd reading it. It's not always about me! And I do think it'll help me become a better writer more if I use a new starting point. Idk. I have a little written of random stuff from the character's childhoods. It's just kinda fun stuff to write but nothing dramatic or suspenseful or anything. Basically a bunch of one-shots. I don't know if I'll finish it or post it. I'm having some trouble thinking of new ideas, mostly because the show is currently airing and I don't want to write something set after an episode because the next week there will be a new episode, and it will throw me off. I could do a future fanfiction again, this time just set in general in the future, not after a certain episode. I'm not sure. I might have to wait until the summer to write a new one, if there's a cliffhanger at the end of the season. I hope I can think of something sooner than that, though. I love writing and getting feedback, so I'll try to think of something soon, but no promises. It could be tomorrow, it could be this summer, I don't know. Check my author's page for updates. I'll try to update it when I start a story or think of an idea. You can also subscribe to author alert, if you want, though if I write a fanfiction for another book/movie/TV show, you'll get updates for that and you might not want that. Of course I'd still love you to do author alert though. **

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